i'm not seeing anyone because really right now i can not afford to do so-most months there are several bills left unpaid etc. I thought i was at least heading in the right direction by getting the rx from my dr and starting it. I am hoping eventually to get in and see someone, but right now it isn't an option for me. I am struggling with self issues right now, a very distorted view of myself (so i've been told), horrible thoughts about self, crushing anxiety, and a new health issue. I know that i'm not thinking clearly as far as this new issue is concerned. I need to have surgery, its serious. If i have this surgery there are good odds that i will continue to enjoy life and could be ok..if i dont have the surgery i have been told i will have a year and then there will be nothing that can be done. I caught myself seriously thinking last night why do it, why not just throw up my hands and say you know what i just dont care, i dont want to live like this anymore, the decision has been made, god, bad family gentics, something, has given me an out. I could sit back and do nothing, put an end to all of this, not have to try anymore, and all my problems, hurt, and disappointments will disappear. I will no longer be sitting here feeling like this, facing a dh that just cant seem to come back, the stress of my life, family etc..i could make it all go away. The scary thing is i am leaning towards that right now. I mean it just sounds so good to just let go and stop it all. I know its not a good thought, but i'm being honest with myself. I just cant seem to come up with a reason to go thru with this surgery with my thinking right now, it doesn't change anything, my marriage will be just the same, i'll still feel unloved and unwanted..its not going to emotionally fix anything doing it. I just need some control over one little aspect, something, anything, that will help me get over this hump. The last few days have been terrible, sinking so fast, I just dont know what to do.