I know what you all are saying is true, that i need to deal with this. I feel most days that it is just a way to end everything and not be held responsibile. Blenn, you know me better than anyone, thanks for the advice and support. It is also nice to hear from someone who has been in this same situation (hopingiseealight), there are many days when i just want someone to take me by the hand and say everything is going to be alright, lead me in the right direction, where i have to make no more decisions about anything at all. I am just tired. I'm sure as mr time goes by i will accept this latest health issue, move along, and get it delt with, i just dont understand my own way of thinking right now. I scare myself at times with the thought that i dont care right now. I dont know where the old me went.