Cyn - sending you so many hugs..but I am very concerned for you right now. Your pain must be overwhelming. Your thoughts are a good indication for you and for us that it is time to get some help, other than you are getting now. You are already making positive moves by taking the meds and talking here on the board. Seeing a therapist may seem financially unavailable to you right now, and I understand that. But there are other places/people available to you.

Your thoughts of
I could sit back and do nothing, put an end to all of this, not have to try anymore, and all my problems, hurt, and disappointments will disappear. I will no longer be sitting here feeling like this, facing a dh that just cant seem to come back, the stress of my life, family etc..i could make it all go away. The scary thing is i am leaning towards that right now. I mean it just sounds so good to just let go and stop it all.

These type of thoughts happen to us when our pain exceeds our resources for coping . It means you have more pain than you can cope with right now.

Which doesnt mean you are flawed or weak. All of us would eventually collapse if enough weight is added to our shoulders with no one else around to share the burden.
Negative thoughts invariably lead to negative statements.

When we find ourselves constantly thinking in a negative way and talking negatively, we know it is time to get help. The hopelessness we feel and the continual negative thinking almost becomes like a type of conditioning, our thought processes are changing .it is likely before too long everything seems gloomy.

We cant help but see how horrible everything is, so our subconscious soaks it all up and consciously we start believing there is nothing positive left. Our consciousness feeds the negativity which then becomes even more intense. It becomes a vicious cycle , we can quickly spiral downwards out of control .

Even the thoughts you are having must be adding more trauma to the mix for you. It is going to be easy to magnify pain when all these factors are present. It may feel as though not bothering with your own health or ending things would stop the pain, but in reality this isnt the case. It is quite likely that the pain will not stop - it will just be transferred to your loved ones and possibly intensify beyond even its present level. SO it the pain wouldnt get better - it would become unbearably worse.

You need relief from the pain, that relief is a feelingif you are not alive and good health, you wont be able to feel it.
So we need to find ways to stop the pain Cyn. Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance needs to be rectified.

You are taking the meds which will hopefully soon do their job and clear the path for a better pattern of thinking for you. But you dont have to have the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
Although you might not be able to do therapy right now- there are other places you can get support like the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Please keep talking here but when you feel so low and wrestle with all those awful thoughts, please find other people to talk to as well. Pick up the phone, even in the middle of the night and talk to someone.

Not only are your children agood reason to go through with the surgery, you are the best reason of all - you are worth it!!!!
I will agree with you that getting better, recovering physically and mentally may not make any difference to the survival of your marriage, and that you are indeed not in control of things such as illness and all the other bad and painful things. It is an awful feeling to feel as though you have no control over anything, and easy forget that your always have control over one thing - you and your choices I hope you choose to keep talking and talking to anyone who listen and trust me - they will help you.

Cyn - the hands are there to lead you into better places - please try to find the strength to catch hold of them.

I know that feeling where you just want it all to go away and someonelese to take charge, so you can just get rested and feel peaceful. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, you are strong enough to get through this to better days.
Hugs
Ep

Ps call someone - info below - these lines are not just for people who have a plan- they are there to help with feelings such as you have.

"Be Aware of Feelings
People having a crisis sometimes perceive their dilemma as inescapable and feel an utter loss of control. These are some of the feelings and thoughts they experience:
Cant stop the pain
Cant think clearly
Cant make decisions
Cant see any way out
Cant sleep, eat or work
Cant get out of depression
Cant make the sadness go away
Cant see a future without pain
Cant see themselves as worthwhile
Cant get someones attention
Cant seem to get control
If you experience these feelings, get help! "


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999
www.metanoia.org/suicide/
www.samaritans.org/talk/email.shtm
www.befrienders.org/helpl.../index.php
hopeline.com/4/map.asp


www.ncsp.org/index.html
www.preventsuicidenow.com...es-us.html
www.preventsuicidenow.com/index.html
www.metanoia.org/imhs/