Quote:
Since the depression is a part of you, I am curious if you have a sense that you and the depression are fully integrated or if there are days when one or the other is more fully in control?


As being one with depression...
It is not as if we are two separate personalities and which one is active today or not...there are no two people warring it out with one another. It would be like saying there are two people inside someone with diabetes, which one will be visible today?
It is more like: here I am, Lisalonewolf, I awaken feeling fine, get up, make coffee, get the mail, am drinking my coffee and am online...maybe something I read in the paper, hear at work, hear from a friend, brings up things in my memory or brings a series of thoughts that starts me thinking and feeling down (down being; sad, feeling unable to cope or make any changes that would make things better or right...thinking that the future is hopeless, etc.) (Hell, mornings are not my best time of day, anyway...I am a night owl, am better after 5 pm both mentally and physically)...and maybe to add to that beginning feeling of down other things...pressure from some friend to do something I do not want to do with them, pressure to conform to someones 'idea of what to be at that moment', someone elses neediness, dealing with everyday things (work, dealing with customers, coworkers, traffic, chronic pain (physical kind not coworker kind), dealing with the bills coming in, the little paycheck that just came in, etc.
These things, they drag the energy right out of me...I feel defeated, I feel as if I cannot cope, nor will I ever be able to cope sufficiently.
See, these things all grab a 'loop tape' in my mind. It is the broken record syndrome...ok, for those of you who do not remembery vinyl it is those big flat round pieces of plastic that you play on a turntable (record player)...and a needle, which always has fascinated me, picks up the music on the record...well, say that needle gets stuck in one groove...and keeps playing that part of the music over and over...that is what happens...so it plays the same patch of music over and over and over again...kind of like getting a song you hear stuck in your head and not being able to get it out when you want to....
Say this song is an annoying one, like feelings or copacabana by barry manilow...you know the one...
at the copa copacabana,
the hottest spot north of havana,
at the copa, copacabana...
music and dancing is always in fashion at the copa.....

now that I have that song hooked into your head...it may take awhile for it to be removed...now try to remember the rest of the song...

Anyway, so I have this train of thought, this music, playing through my mind...and, it is hard to get it out of here (my mind)...and the harder I try, the more it hangs on, the deeper the groove, the harder it is to get me unstuck.
Maybe that is the best way to describe it...the deeper the depression, the longer it is around, the deeper the groove in the vinyl...the harder it is to shake it out of its groove.
Meds fill in parts of the groove, but, even they are limited. Therapy also fills in a part of the groove, again, they are limited in their effect too. Pulling myself 'up by the bootstraps', quaint idea that it is, only helps so much as well.

Depression is a part of me, just like my sense of humor is, just like my taste in art, or my love for some of my hobbies, just like my sense of values or political views, or medical condition. It is or can be a small or large part of me...depending on where it is in my life...if it is prominently placed in front of me it will be a larger part of it...just as physical pain can be a small or large part depending on how I feel at the moment.

Another Good example: I have a sweetie who drinks too much...so, I see him, and he has been without for a week...and feeling pretty good about it...until I ask him, 'how long since his last one' or 'has he been craving it all week'? Etc. It brings it to the forefront...making it more about the depression (alcohol) than it needs to be at that moment.

Hmmm, darn that coffee I made this morning is GOOD...hazelnut cream...yummmmmmm.
Now, to figure out what I have to eat for breakfast...sigh.