DAML:

I sit here on a rainy Saturday waiting for a break in the clouds so I can lace up my shoes and go for a run, yet after reading your post the only downpour I am faced with now are those of my tears.

I am saaaaaaaaad! I am so damn sad that I can't be to my DBF what all others here are to theirs - and that is committed. Communication between us is nothing if completely depleted. Any connection we may have had in a previous "life" is replaced by fear, anger, resentment, denial.

Without sounding like a narcisist, I had the most painful week of my life as my beautiful dad passed away... and in the midst of all that ache, my DBF was nowhere to be found for me. He didn't even know until three days later as he was on a business trip overseas and unreachable. Sure he called sporadically but would only give me a sliver of a 'window of opportunity' to contact him before he retired for the evening. My window closed before I got his message so he didn't even try to contact me for days afterward. By that time, the ties of our love had not only come undone but they completely broke. They are irrepairable now and I try so hard now not to show anger for his inability to feel a thing; hatred for not seeking help in order to feel something at all. Why did he not try? One tiny act of kindness; one small pat on my head would have done wonders for my spirit. Nothing. He told me he will keep his distance during my grieving process since that is what he would want. He is ASSuming that is what I want. He knows nothing about me. Two and a half years spent with a complete stranger and opening myself up to be vulnerable to someone who never wanted or cared to get to really know me at all. I don't want to be "left alone" during my grieving process and am blessed that I have the family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances in my life to be there for me and pick me back up. They know instinctively what I need. The Love Of My Life hasn't a clue. Nor will he even ask.

Do deppressives know deep inside that they are slowly killing their loved ones? Do you even give a @#%$ or do you feel it is the ONE thing in your life you have control over so it makes you feel powerful?

In the meantime, I have "checked out" and have ignored his calls, emails and attempts to reach out to me now and profess his love for me. Too late. Too little, too late. I ignore him now because I believe this is what he wants and is probably dancing the jig that I finally got the hint. It took my dad's death, but I finally got the hint that my DBF wanted me gone long ago. I'd wished he just told me instead of making me feel so weak and worthless first. If that's what he wanted, he won. Bravo! Good job, old man. You are the King. Hope you feel good about yourself now. Shame on him. Shame!! The man I thought I would die for never really existed, did he?

I am saaaaaaaaad!! I want the clouds outside to go away so I can run and play again...