DAML,

You wrote:

>>Yes and no. Yes we know we are hurting those around us but no we think those around us do not love us. If we are slowly "killing", it makes our hurt deeper thus deepens our depression. The deeper the depression the more successful we are.<<

Can you, or anyone else, offer some insight into how to handle situations like this. My DXBF loves to beat himself up emotionally and call himself a "terrible" boyfriend.

I bought a house a few months ago and wanted to commission him to do a project here because he's excellent with wood working. I knew I had to hire someone to do the work, and would rather pay him for the effort than a stranger, particularly since he is not rolling in dough. He declined, saying he had too much work to do with his full time job and he wouldn't be able to get to it till Christmas time. I knew my request was stressing him, so I dropped the topic and hired someone. Then a couple weeks later I was looking for a particular saw that I thought he might have so a friend could do a different project for me. I called my ex to see if he had it, and he expressed such enthusiasm for the project, I asked if he wanted to do the job. He declined, saying it was his son's confirmation that weekend so he had no time. OK, fine. Neither was any big deal.

I then sent him a link to an article he wanted, and he responded by thanking me for the link AND saying he felt "awfully guilty" for not helping me with those two projects. I called him and tried to reassure him that everything was fine and he had nothing to feel guilty about.

Then two weeks ago someone broke into my house and I called my ex for help. He refused to come over and help me. This time I really DID need his support, and he dropped the ball completely. I was so upset I pushed him into a conversation about whether I even mattered to him and about our future. He claimed we had no chance for the future, so for the past couple weeks -- along with cycling through anger, disappointment, sorrow for him, and a host of other emotions -- I have focused on letting go. I've made no effort to contact him and figure he needs to work this out on his own.

At the same time, I can just picture himself sitting there, beating himself up because he wasn't there for me, and I have been there to support him for months on end.

It hurts me to know that this is how he is most likely reacting, and in some ways I think he DOES need to beat himself up and accept responsibility for being unable to act appropriately in an emergency.

But what IS the best course for the fallout victim?