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This message board is for the friends and families of people who suffer from a mood disorder.
It is associated with Anne Sheffield and her web site
www.depressionfallout.com
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From a Depression Sufferer's Point of View
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Want to know what depression is like? - Part I
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Re: Want to know what depression is like? - Part I
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FlyGirl23
Re: Want to know what depression is like?
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Jan 7 06 5:20 AM
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I think this is an excellent post.. Im new to the board and not sure about all the new lingo so forgive me.. I am DX'd BP and right now for a while just Depression..
I can tell you its been difficult on my my DH or SO... hubby.. (lingo again im new) I know he struggles with helping me in the best ways he knows how.. which most days I am not even sure how he can help me.. But I try to find ways the best ways he can reach me.. He feels guilty he cannot help me and that he feels helpless. and that he cannot come to me when he is in need.. Most days as of latley I dont have much to give... And yes this makes me FEEL GUILTY.. and drags me to feel even more deeper into my depression.. Its a viscious mean cycle.. He needs me more than ever and I need him.. we both know this.. how do we hang on by threads.. and for how long can a couple do this??? Then there are other variables??? children..... How do you make them feel loved.. when you feel you have no love to give?? for myself.. I cannot speak for others... Its not that I do not care....... I care more than anyone I know... I care TOO MUCH..... thats what hurts so much...... and what happens is its spirals on me and brings me to feel an even lower lifeform than I already do.... A simple hug from mom becomes a chore.. I just want to say get away... I dont want you near me.. They need me.. I know this.. they know this.. I have to force myself some days to give them that peice of me that just does not exist at that moment even if its a small minute piece.. a grin.. a hug..... and then find the solice in just knowing i can go back to being inside myself.. alone again.... not that thats what I really want.. but its all I can do at that moment.. at that time... I DONT WANT TO HURT THE ONES I LOVE.......... i want to feel love..... experience love.. but im hating myself.. my life.. and who I am...... I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.. because where and who i am at this time is not who I want to be and I dont know how to get better.. and it just feels like I am never going to get better....
I constantly think one day I will be like one of the posts I read here ..... where I believe its a son... whos father passed.. again the lingo is new to me.. so I believe thats was whom he was speaking of.. He wanted acknowledgment from his dad.... That he recognized that he was hurting at least once in his life.. but he was to caught up in his own hurt and depression he just could not do that.. and my goodness I am so sorry you had to ever feel that way...... I pray...... everyday.... That what I do give is enough.... that one day my children never feel that way about me.. that I do not die... and from beyond the grave.. they feel unfullfilled.......
I learned in outpatient therapy two important things and I remind myself daily of those two things........ First.... DEPRESSIONS JOB IS TO KILL YOU!!!! so i try to remember that its only trying deciece my mind most days.... Second....... that this will pass....... its only a matter of time......... and i have to just hang on... for the ride....... Its so easy to lose perspective sometimes....
I know my DH he hangs on.... He hangs on to those small minute moments when things are okay.. A happy moment when I laugh, grin... a hug.... that makes life with me worth living... and for him I guess its enough.... Thats what he tells me.. For me being on the other end I wonder how...!!! what is so very special about me...... must be a heck of a smile or laugh i have !!! he says I have an aura.. even when I am deeply depressed......
It is a curse........I call it........ but also a blessing to be who I am......... I feel deeper... hurt deeper... think deeper than anyone I know.... I get things others do not.... I like that about myself.. Of course on my dark days.. it really isnt pleasant to have those qualities...... But to say I dont care...... would definitly be untrue..... The entire weight of the world rests on my shoulder....... I am the peacemaker....... the one who cries for all the hungry children in the world.. the one who enjoys a good heartfelt sappy movie.. and its not just because Im female... ITs just because things mean more to me .. I see things in shades of grey rather than in just black and white... It takes a special kind of person to feel and think like me... Everything I do has a meaningful purpose behind it.. even if at the time it may seem meaningless even if it may seem i do not care.... Even if sometimes I do not have a voice.. because i Just cant get the words out.....
Thats just my view....... I appologize if I got a lil to passionate... I tend to do that..
--flygirl--
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