Q1: You know these things as you are able to write them here today. How are we to believe that you don't know them at the time?

A1: I know intelligently. Just because Im depressed does not mean I can not think. When Im depressed I operate from a very low emotional IQ. Also writing is the one outlet that depression has spared. Remember too that these writing are all about me and that is a part of my depression.


Q2: How can we trust that you are not fully aware of the anguish you cause when you clearly are aware when you are not in a "depressive state"?

A2: Some times I am aware and that is just the beast of depression, keep driving things downward to keep feeling bad. In my post above I wrote What I say may hurt her but I am not conscious of it. If I am conscious of it I cannot internalize it to understand its impact. It becomes all about me so I just dont care.


Q3: Are you really a zombie and devout of any real emotion and, if so, how can you have it now and feel empathy and guilt for treating your family like this constantly?

A3: Not devout of any real emotion. Hopelessness and sadness is a constant when depressed. As for now the empathy, I slide in out of depression. Always once out the past episode feels like a distant dream that never happened.


Q4: Why would you not seek help earlier?
A4: I have tried therapy and meds previously. Each time I did not believe it to be severe so I stopped (plus a relocation). This time (starting this past June) the depression reached its deepest level. Also believe it or not all these years that have past is how much time it took me for to understand what I have REALLY is a disease.


Q5: Were you secretly hoping your family would leave you just as you had predicted thus giving you more reason to be more miserable?
A5: First my family has never left me. And yes I was secretly hoping that they would leave me.


Q6: At any time, did you want your wife to move on to another man and seek happiness elsewhere with your daughter? If so, why did you not let go?
A6: Again yes. And the second part of this question she would not be lured away from me.


Q7: Why did you have her stay miserable with you knowing she would not choose to leave you during your illness?
A7: She chose to stay. I pleaded with her to go and leave me alone.


Q8: Do you respect her decision?
A8: It was her choice to stay. I was inoperable to make any changes on my own.


Q9: Do you love her?
A9: Yes I love. Intelligently I know I love. Feeling I love her is another thing. Today I feel I love. When Im depressed love is hard to feel.


Q10: Do you FEEL love for your daughter?
A10: Same a A9 above except when Im depressed I think my daughter is better off with out me.