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This message board is for the friends and families of people who suffer from a mood disorder.
It is associated with Anne Sheffield and her web site
www.depressionfallout.com
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Re: Who we were
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Epona04
Re: Change
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Dec 9 07 3:16 PM
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GSD - RE:
I wish I could say I've grown and become a better person from my experience with my DH.I'm still who I was two years ago at the first MDE
My opinion - you do yourself an injustice, I dont think you have NOT grown AND I dont think you are who you were two years ago. In this moment you are here - you are reading, reaching out, and willing to consider input from others. You may not see some of the progress youve made, but you are not so blind or unwilling to acknowledge the fact that you play a part in every interaction and the current circumstances which are your life.
I know some folk dont like Dr Phil - but at this moment for you - I believe some of his could have some significance for you.
Ill start with this
*
There is an old joke in psychology: how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. People change only when they are ready, and you need to find out the exact state of your readiness for change.
So maybe the reason you feel stuck and unable to change is simply just because you havent got that far in the process yet.
However, as his life law # 4 says
You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
You have acknowledged that you, as we all do, make a contribution to your own/our circumstances and environment. You acknowledge you are resentful and lonely and angry
You said: I've just got to get to the "acceptance" stage. By acknowledging certain things you ARE actually on your way through the process, you are doing the things needed in order to acceptance stage .
It seems to me you are past certain stages of victim-hood thinking .you are willing and able to acknowledge your part - you are not in the stage of:
just or only of blaming others
. I would say part of the next phase would be willing to be accountable for you.part of the process - 1st acknowledging and then accepting accountability.
A question to ask yourself using a dr phil statement
Am I willing to confront myself and others honestly about how I sabotage myself or allow myself to get sabotaged.?
Re: being or feeling stuck - as I said, my opinion is you do get it, and you are on your way .you have come here, youve listened, taken advice - you have changed the way you do things - youve tried to put all the tools and tactics into practice, but maybe feel stuck it hasnt worked voicing my legitimate issues, whether calmly or at the top of my lungs, brings the same response--rage, curses, name-calling, physical violence. I just want peace and calm and clean.
I think the reason it hasnt worked is because although you changed what youve said, what you did, and how you did things - you havent actually yet changed what you believe, or your real mindset. One big part of changing what you believe - would be changing what you as person believe about you yourself - what value you give to yourself.
Some times we get stuck or bogged down in the process simply because we havent reached our pain threshold - aka we havent reached the end of our tolerance. I think youve already got there - I think you have had about as much pain as you can take. So the road block must be something else - perhaps it is a crossed wire in your value system - perhaps you are willing to bear the pain because you still value DH more than you value yourself. Your value system is out of balance
Some old saying about wanting someone not to walk in front me, nor behind me, but to walk with me at my side. Extremes at either end of the scales, simply dont work or they cause problems. Valuing him more than yourself isnt working, but neither would valuing yourself above him work either. Balance would be holding yourself of equal value to him.
Red flag words to look out for in your dialogue to self or in actual writing are but and should ..
I know I contribute to the problems, but
&
Even though I know I should work on myself.
Baby steps - be kind to yourself even if you dont yet understand why - try eliminating such self dialogue to yourself - rephrase your thoughts and feelings without using the words - but and should
I think it is actually harder to confront ourselves, than it is to confront others. This no easy task - and it is going to be very painful - maybe more painful at first than the pain of his rage, curses, name-calling, physical violence.
It isnt easy to listen to statements like this:
Suffering in silence isn't love. By not dealing with a controlling partner's behavior, you're only enabling it to continue, and are therefore cheating the relationship.
Nor is it easy to accept the implications being/staying stuck - when we endure the rage, curses, name-calling, physical violence - when we stay somewhere where we are suffering - we have actually become what we most loathe and despise, we become like the cause of our pain - he is the abuser, but by staying where you are with this - not thinking you are worth more than this - you are literally abusing yourself - by enabling him to have a target - a victim you are cheating yourself and the relationship ..
and when I say stay - I am not talking about physical location, merely picking up sticks and moving maybe safer for you - but it wouldnt necessarily change the way you are insidewhen I talk about staying in the same place - I mean the being stuck - I mean the place you are within yourself and inside your head.
Take care of yourself.
People who consistently win are consciously committed to self-management. They are the most important resource they have in achieving their goals. They actively manage their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.
Life Law #2: You create your own experience.
Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.
You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.
Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.
Every choice you make including the thoughts you think has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts which will take a lot of discipline you'll get the right consequences.
Life Law #5: Life rewards action.
Strategy: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions.
Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results not intentions or words.
Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.
Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.
Life Law #7: Life is managed; it is not cured.
Strategy: Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. This is a long ride, and you are the driver every single day.
You are a life manager, and your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued.
Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction and urgency you can muster.
The key to managing your life is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan, and the courage, commitment and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. You can also help yourself as a life manager if you manage your expectations. If you don't require much of yourself, your life will be of poor quality. If you have unrealistic standards, then you are adding to your difficulties.
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