I think this is a really important question to ask if there is not abuse taking place as it is important for BOTH partners to accept responsibility in improving things in the relationship.

However, IF there IS abuse taking place (which goes a lot deeper than language one could interpret in a conversation here or there, but it is a way of life that the person living it would understand), I think it is VERY important for the person who is being abused to be VERY careful not to question themselves over and over as the abuser is a master at blaming their victim. It is how they manipulate the abused and maintain control.

I also would hope others on the outside looking in would be careful not to be too hasty to suggest to the person who may be being abused that they are making it worse or wanting to be in the hurtful situation.

A person being abused is very hurt, confused, manipulated, frightened... many reasons exist. To blame the abused perpetuates the cycle and plays directly into the abusers hands.

Even a person who may otherwise seem very confident, successful, etc., may experience abuse and find it a horribly violating experience.

Having said that, there is a world of difference between "abuse" and "taunting" or "lack of committment to improving things". It might even surprise some to learn that often, an abuser will use their partner's committment to improving things to manipulate them further.

As I said... there's a world of difference.... and we do indeed need to be careful with such delicate topics...