It is always so terribly easy to recognize it in others and so terribly difficult to recognize it in ourselves.

What is that Bible verse? Remove the beam from your own eye, before removing the splinter from your neighbor's?

For me it always went back to the question...Why is this escalating out of control? Why is this the same script being played over and over and over again. After the light bulb moment,before laying it all in his lap, I made it a point to examine what my role was in it. What part do I play in this??? (Because if the same stuff ain't working, time to change what you are doing.) Sometimes it took a few days to get out of denial and come off that pedestal that it WASN'T me, it's ALL him, but for me it never took longer than three days.

We had this vicious cycle. I'd bring a problem to the table. I was always very careful to use I feel, I think, I need...... I tried very hard to never be blaming or accusatory. Just presented a problem. And things spiraled downhill from there or so I thought. It didn't spiral there, although for the first couple of months I thought it did, because I was too busy wallowing in not being heard/validated. When I really consciously thought about it, it actually spiraled when the first thing out of his mouth was defensive. (The coping mechanism of choice once avoiding wasn't an option anymore.) And when he got defensive, (and yes, he knew exactly what to say and exactly how to say it to push every hot button I own), I got equally if not more defensive right back at him. And that is the point it began to spiral downhill.

I truly believe he wasn't consciously doing it. It was a script written and played out since his childhood. No conscious thought doing it. Very automatic response to whatever he perceived at that time. I do the same crap with my mother. Once I caught myself..once I recognized he was becoming defensive, I would stop immediately instead of becoming equally defensive right back. It wasn't important that I be heard at that time, because he wasn't going to hear me. He was just going to respond with this automatic response. And rather than let my buttons be pushed and pour gasoline on the smoldering fire, I would say, "You sound defensive. Let's stop right here and both of us think about the problem and talk about it later today." He had time to process the information and really think about it in his own time, and I wasn't rising to the bait and escalating what should have just been a simple problem solving session.

And THAT particular script is no longer followed. It worked so well with that, I started looking everywhere for "my role" in things and what I was doing to muck things up. There were things I honestly didn't own, because it wasn't mine to own, but there were other areas that I recognized I could change my behavior if I wanted the standard scripts to change. And rather than baby steps, things took off like a jet.

It's hard to do this. No question about it. But it is learned behavior. If it can be learned, it can be unlearned, but you have to be willing to take the steps to unlearn it. And often it starts with a good hard look at yourself.