Quote:
I will tell you that dealing with a depressed person feels very much like abuse, even if it isn't.
This is what I am processing right now. I am very confused - in part, because I really do not want to believe this, in part, because he does not want me to believe it either as that would result in a confrontation and change which would mean he is no longer controlling me..., in part, because, frankly, he is my husband and I want to believe things are good and going to be ok between us so whenever things are that way, I want to live in that moment and believe it IS our future.

But, I am coming to realize that no matter how much I hate to admit it, I have to face the truth that my husband has behaviors that are abusive.

Do you know how long it took my to type the last word in that sentence? I couldn't do it when I got there, but I trying to face this and I can't begin to tell you how difficult and painful this is for me to type that one word in connection with my husband.

As Lisa pointed out, abuse is not something to toss about lightly. We all must search ourselves for our part in our relationships to determine if we are doing our part and take corrective action for our own behavior.

However, in an abusive relationship, the danger (yes, literally) is that this can go too far because the abuser will use it against the abused in order to control them and try to convince them that they are to blame, etc.

Because abuse is such a serious issue and can be so dangerious, I would encourage anyone who is uncertain if they are being abused, to explore the question in a safe place. Maybe that would be your individual T, your doctor, www.youarenotcrazy.com/ or another website, The Verbally Abusive Relationship (the book my own T suggested I read, but I'm sure there are others), a DV shelter. One word of caution, I would suggest that if you research online, please erase the history in the browser - same thing goes for reading material, etc. Last thing you need is an escalation for yourself or children. Stay safe!

I am reading the book my T suggested about verbal abuse and while I don't want to admit it, I have to admit that it is like reading about our marriage. I cry when I read the checklists or manipulation tactics that so clearly describe DH's behaviors (not just his words - abuse is MUCH more than words) and I know I have to face something that I really would rather not face.

This is going to be one of the most difficult things to confront with him.

Especially while I am trying to recover from mono and am weak and drained...

...but in our case, I know it has to be done.

It would be so much easier to say this is just the D and when he is better, this behavior will go away. Deep in my heart, I know there is more to this. I know there is manipulation taking place, I know there is much more that is so complicated and so hurtful and unhealthy - for both of us.