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because I think that when it comes to verbal abuse the term tends to be used quite freely. I really think that something can only qualify as verbal abuse of there was no provocation


Very good point Annlee...I see verbal abuse as one sided...one person doing something to another...much as your example of physical abuse is.

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It is always so terribly easy to recognize it in others and so terribly difficult to recognize it in ourselves


Yes, Liz, it IS easier to see it in others, especially the 'mentally ill' than our healthy selves...of course We would never say or do anything to egg someone on...we wouldn't say anything that would be the equivalent to sticking out our tongue at them and going 'nyah nyah nyah nyah...'
We would never make a 'snide' comment to our spouse when they have said something for the umpteenth time, or roll our eyes, or sigh loudly, or....because we have become impatient. We would never let "our own issues" enter our conversations then, later on, wonder to ourselves where the heck did that come from?

Verbal Abuse is real, is terrible...etc. at the same time when two people are speaking about day to day subjects, planting a row of corn, driving the kid to school, opening the refrigerator doors, taking the dogs out...and one person says something...and the other comes back with some 'lip', then the other adds to it, then the second one adds to it, and on and on it goes...and something that didn't exist suddenly becomes a 'situation' which escalates...into an argument, into an 'abusive' situation?

I go back to something which happens at work, OFTEN...
I work in security...airport...
conversations go like this....OFTEN....
"sir, please remove your jacket and shoes so they can be put into the X-ray." Sayeth the Screener
Man looking down at his shoes with wonder in a quiet tone responds, "oh? My shoes won't alarm, they are all rubber".
Screener getting tense, taking a step forward towards the passenger, and speaking more loudly, "Sir, It doesn't matter if they do or do not alarm, they have to come off if you want to take your trip..."
Man getting defensive, well, I don't want to remove my shoes. I do not want to remove my jacket either..." so, there.
Screener calls supervisor and advises passenger to remove shoes and jacket so they can be xrayed...and he does.

What went wrong???

Hear it all the time...Screener takes what the passenger says PERSONALLY.......the guy looks down at his shoes, says what he says, without attitude I might add, and off we go...screener has to intrepret it as an offense to him...when it is not. So, he pushes back, inappropriately I add, and gets the guy in a defensive posture...etc., etc., etc.,

Now, EVEN when I get someone having a bad day, bitching about how the line is slow, the liquid rule is 'stupid', and removing the shoes are gross...should I TAKE IT PERSONALLY??? and make a big deal out of it...and say something to escalate it?
No...what do I say?
"Sorry, you are having one of those days...can I help you with your things?" then go around to the other side and help them get themselves together, tell them to have a better day...some look at me like I am nuts...some look at me like 'no matter what you do, it won't change a thing', and then others, sometimes them, sometimes others in line, will say, thanks. It has been a bloody bad day. Some just say thanks for being nice, making this part of the trip easier to deal with.

You would be surprised at how many people I come across who are taking the ashes of a spouse or loved one home for burial, have just left a funeral, have just been left by a spouse, have terminal illness and are going 'home' one last time...etc. Or, who have had some terrible experiences just prior to coming into my presence, sometimes just at the previous airport with another screener.... And, yes, there are some who are mentally ill, and some who are just AHoles.

So, the next time, or any of the past times you can think of where it seemed to escalate from nothing...look at only your part of the conversation...try to do so objectively...



*This is an disclaimer...nothing in the content of this or any post is of real people...this is hypothetical.