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Rewarding socially unacceptable behavior....question
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Re: Rewarding socially unacceptable behavior....question
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gradjen
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Feb 19 08 10:57 AM
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Some comments on some of this stuff:
So first I am one of the people who allows my DH to go for periods of time without talking to me. In his periods he has never cheated on me. My rational is as follows: a) In the end my Dh needs to figure him out, and until he can do that it's not really like we have some great marriage. In the end if we are together I want it to be what he wants, and if it isn't then I need to know that. So if I leave him alone and he decides he doesn't want a life with me in the end I need to know that and not force one with us. b) It's always more complicated with the person you are the closest to. I know Dh. I know when he says Hi how well he is doing that day. So basically he can't act and pretend with me. On one hand that's good, he doesn't think he has to, but on the other hand he knows I will notice if he isn't ok, and I amy say something. Basically when he is around me he can't pretend he is ok, and I think sometimes that's a lot to handle for him. c) I am working on figuring me out. Now if by the time I figure me out DH is still where he is I may ahve to say look I can't do this, but right now I am not at that point.
My T and I have been talking a lot about the come closer, push me away dance DH keeps engaging me in. My T has been trying to teach me how to make Dh stop this and how to make him be responsible for his actions. So an example from this weekend(side not....Dh has started hihs 3rd major downswing in the last year recently, so right now he is really trying to tug at me). OK so last week Dh wanted me to visit this past weekend, but then on Tues he was like no. So on WEd I said to him: DH I keep getting a mixed message from you. Lasts week you wanted me to come and now you don't. I need to know what you want. His response was I don't want you to come so I responded, ok, I love you and respect you so out of that love and respect I won't come this weekend(my T basically told me do not go visit unless he says he wants you to for 2 reasons--1--if you go and he doesn't want you there you will feel worse about yourself, and 2--you need him to know that it is his actions that are causing you not to be there). Fast forward to Friday night. he calls me and tells me how he is sorry he doesn't want me to come. I was like you don't have to be sorry, those are your feelings, and you ahve a right to them. Then he tells me how it's just easier when no one is around. How he is withdrawing from everyone. I responded by saying yeah I know you are, and that since he was withdrawing it must be what is best for him. I told him he knows himself best and so if he is pushing everyone away it must be because it's what's best for him(now this of course made him mad, but it also I think made him think, hey yeah the only reason people are not here is becaudse of me). He got mad and was liek I'm not going to call you anymore. I don't like that I ahve to think when I am on the phone with you and I just calmly said ok and got off the phone(knowing full well this was just another of his tactics to engage me into a fight or argument). Now Sat morning I got a phone call from him with him upset and asking me to come. He was finally able to say yes I want you here. And it was better because when I went and he started on his whole push me away part pf the dance I was able to say hey, wait a minute, I came because you said you wanted me to. You don't get to blame me for x.
Someone asked why they push us away. Here are some of my thoughts and some of the things my DH has said to me. So just this weekend my DH said how he wants to be able to fight this all himself(mind you he can't keep the kitchen or the apartment clean, or pay the bills on time...but he still wants to be able to). He does want me around and feels like he needs me but he is so angry at the fact that he feels like he needs me, he gets these conflicted messages and they translate over to me when I let them. Also I think my DH pushes me away as a form of protecting me. I know he loves me, and in some way he knows what he is doing to me and feels guilty anbout it and he feels he has to save me. And for a while I put that on him. I wanted him to care about me, to be there, to say I was ok, and so forth and when he couldn't I made real sure that he knew he should feel guilty over it. In Oct I found a realy good T who has taught me I don't need DH. That I can satisfy all those needs myself and a consequence of that was that I stopped pushing at D to take care of me like that. And when I started to do that DH started to come closer. He still feels he needs to save me or protect me, he s aid this just this weekend, and my response to that now is a very straight and stern: You are not responsible for me. That I will save myself and it isn't his responsibility. The only person responsible for saving me is me and that I am doing that. And when I say this he usually stops the whole oh this is about him saving me thing. I also told him he is the only person he is responsible for saving.
Anyway, so those are my insights. Hope they help.
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