roxybelle wrote:
I think I have reinforced some (or even a lot) of his behavior letting him know that I still want him and would be willing to stand by him. I don't think he ever did any of it to intentionally hurt me, I'm pretty sure it was always about him and nothing to do with me. I know he plays the passive-aggressive card without knowing he's doing it-he's admitted to it in fact, I do it too. I guess the difference is at some point the people that possess the ability for clear thought and reasonable actions (that's supposed to be the non-D partner...lol) have to say "enough is enough" and stand up for ourselves, come what may.

This has been a good post for me to process. These last few months I've gone from looking mostly at his patterns of relating to me and our children to looking closer to how I've contributed to the "reinforcing factor" throughout our 14 year marriage. I brought to the relationship many years of learned behavior of eggshell walking, so to me that was the norm.

A little history: In the beginning I thought he was a "normal" "unselfish" guy in comparison to what I was used to from my male role models.
I wasn't in an "abusive" home, but it was full of very strong personalities who thought the earth revolved around them if you know what I mean. I was the youngest and the peace keeper--or at least in my mind that's how it was (we all process and perceive the past differently). Responding to intentional and even unintentional passive-aggressive communication was something I did without conscious effort. I've seen throughout time passive aggressive forms of communication majorly in play in his family as well. For both of us these learned behaviors were the norm.

Not to totally trash him--he is loving person and takes his responsibilities as a parent seriously and I know he will never "abandon" his fatherly duties as a provider to them. However, before D my husband really did have some of the self-centered characteristics I had been used to interacting with. Now throw in social and even religious roles and dynamics (I stay home full time) and there is a real opportunity.

I'm really trying to see things objectively. He is used to get what he wants when he wants it. First from his mom, his boss, me and even his children. I've always said he is stubborn--for example any material thing (gadget, house, pool, etc) he set his mind of getting (weather or not we could afford it) he would rationalize or talk about and not give up until I couldn't stand hearing about it anymore. I'd give in. It came to the point where I wouldn't even try to argue with him because I knew I'd never win, so why try. That was reinforcing that behavior. If I persist long enough she'll give in and I'll get what I want. Sounds like parenting 101 doesn't it? He would happy because he got what he wanted, but I was left feeling undervalued and manipulated. I reinforced to myself that I was not an equal partner. I and only I established those rules of relating.

Fast forward to depression--as we all know depression can redefine the term selfishness. His is complicated by bipolar II. In a particular mood swing the whole world revolves around him. In dealing with and learning about his illness I've look back and see what was then and what is now. Say he didn't get depressed. I could have lived out the rest of our married life in la la land giving in to his wants and desires and been ok with the passive aggressive communication styles and selfcenteredness. On the other hand I could have had years of resentments festering away and still not done anything to address my own patterns of relating that wasn't healthy.

I now have the opportunity to decide how I will live my life. I do see things about me and our relationship that I don't want to continue. I'm trying to establish goals for my life and my life as a role model for my children (6,9,12) Tricky part: I've been a partner in establishing the rules of our relationship over time both with depression and with out depression. The old way for him worked for him-he pretty much always got what he wanted. To him it is just depression that needs to be lifted and we will resume life together as it was, so now whats my problem? Why cant you be happy that I'm getting better?

My problem is that I don't want things to be exactly the same. New rules...new conflict....

Last Edited By: wasfunonce Feb 19 08 1:21 PM. Edited 1 times.