somevelvetuser and being happy can i impose and ask you some questions that seem to get asked in round about ways but don't always give a clear answer. i have read annes books and been on this site for the last 18 mths, and i read all the time about the depressed person feeling that they are not good enough for us therefore push us away, they feel that they can't be the partner that we want, and i know my xdbf hates himself. we had a fantastic time in the beginning and i hung in there through all the times that he pushed me away and re itterated to him in many ways that i loved him for exactly what he was with depression or without. i know that when he told me he loved me, which wasn't very often in the end, that it came from his heart, and felt it two days before he pushed me away this time. why do they seem to punish themselves as well as us by ending everything when they know that we have good times together, feel special together and we are always there to try and make our time together special and not pressurised in any way, although i know there are people who will read this and contradict that statement, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone you love and to want them to express the love they feel to you as they did in the beginning. i just can't understand why he would want to put himself through all this misery and be on his own when someone like us could give them moments at least of fun, laughter and love. this question goes through my mind every single day as i try to come to terms with life without him. i take care of myself, do things that i enjoy myself, have fantastic friends but that still doesn't make each day any easier without him. he has never talked to me properly about how he feels each day, he told me he didnt want to let me down anymore, i told him that the only way that he had let me down was by not talking to me and telling me when he was having a bad day or week or month etc, but i haven't hear from him apart from the day after my birthday and now i wonder if he hates me so much that he can't be with me or won't be with me ever again. its hard to try and not make any contact but i will keep trying and praying and hoping that one day he will realise that it wasn't me that caused his depression, he had it long before i appeared on the scene, but he is the most special man i have ever met, such a kind and gentle and caring man, sory if i have rattled on here but trying to get my mind round everything. i appreciate this section of the board as i don't know anyone with this kind of depressio therefore have no one else to ask.