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This message board is for the friends and families of people who suffer from a mood disorder.
It is associated with Anne Sheffield and her web site
www.depressionfallout.com
Depression Fallout Message Board
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Re: NEED>>>HELP>>>>>FAST
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Daisy04
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Dec 4 08 7:47 PM
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Some of you should read "He's Just Not That Into You". Cool book. And funny. At least I think so. Helps to reinforce women deserve to be happy and shouldn't settle for someone. Also if you are asking a lot of questions about a relationship then something is wrong. It might not be him, it might be you. But it might be him. No relationship should be a daily dose of worry and questioning and wonder.
Everyone has issues, defaults, quirks, weirdnesses, and whatever. Know them, accept them or change them or work with them no matter what they are from eyebrow shape to insecurities. Once a person knows they deserve happiness that person starts to become happy. You make your own happy.
I received an email from xbf (the man from Columbus who wanted to marry me). It's been 8 months, and I received the email yesterday. He hopes I am well. He has been thinking and thinking since we last spoke (in March, for me to say it is best we part ways) and he never stopped loving me. He stated that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about the last time we were together and I cried and that has been eating away at him. He said he has tried to understand what went wrong and the only thing he can conclude is that I was guarded in expressing my feelings and didn't take any initiative in the relationship. He went on to say that was too bad, as that was the only thing wrong in our relationship. Then ended the email with him leaving the door open to conversation.
BTW, I cried the last time we were together in March because he basically forced me to be intimate with him. He was attempting to be intimate, and yelled when I expressed that I didn't want to be intimate at that time and could we wait until another time. I was upset and taken aback by his reaction, as he yelled and asked me what I was accusing him of. I expressed that I simply wasn't in the mood, wasn't accusing of anything, and I'd like to gather my thoughts and talk later as I was startled by the yelling and now I felt a little pressured. I finally gave in after him pushing the issue and groping at me, not listening to my statements of please don't and I felt pressure and didn't want to do this. He is larger and stronger, and his son was there for the weekend so I was worried about an larger argument, physical violence, etc. I said fine, you can have what you want so you will be done and leave me alone. He just went along his merry way and did what he wanted, not noticing or caring that I was in tears the whole time. Ugh.
And, because he lived in Africa for awhile and we were intimate, I learned that I can't give blood, ever, due to a virulent strain of HIV that comes from certain African countries....even if tested for that strain and the tests are negative. Double UGH cause I like to give blood.
When I ended the relationship, he said I was cold, unfeeling, and unemotional. Also said that he never got the feeling that I was invested in the relationship. Apparently my willingness to move to Columbus at the end of the summer wasn't a sign of relationship investment. lol. There were signs of potential control before the intimacy situation, and they ones that I needed to learn more about before making a decision. I wasn't going to run on perception. However, the bedroom debacle was a no-brainer. No is no, stop is stop, please don't is please don't. It wasn't miscommunication and his reaction to my expression of pressure told me he didn't think anything was wrong with him and when he wants something he will take it. And my reaction of giving in, even if justified for the situation, showed him he had the power to take what he wanted when he wanted it.
I want to be married. I want to be a mother. I think about being a mother every day. I am not willing to settle for a warm body, especially one that tells me he is so upset about our last time together 8 months ago because I cried and still loves me so much...all the while concurrently telling me that the only thing wrong in our relationship was me. And I am not willing to settle for someone who will be abusive in a physical or any other way.
All of this is to say that we have pasts that cloud our ability to enter new situations with rose colored glasses. You swim in a lake with too many jellyfish and get stung enough, you are always cautious of water. Eventually, instead of staying away from all relationships or thinking every grumpy moment or non-phone call or late arrival or raised voice is a sign of D or cheating or lying or control or whatever, we learn that people are people and some things are typical ebb and flow of life and relationships and others are not. They may still be inherent red flags to us and we learn how to have internal dialogue so that we can control the reaction or desire to react and control the emotion and gather more information before we conclude an opinion. Other things we'll know right away that we should run fast, into the night, never to be seen again
As for a road trip, PA is lovely. And, there is a winter festival dinner at my house Dec 13. Wii, chili, charades, wine, and good friends!
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."
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