Heter - When I was searching for a therapist, I didn't know where to start looking for someone who had a lot of experience with D and partners of D individuals. I looked in the yellow pages under psychotherapy and found a listing for the Psychotherapy Referral Service in Toronto. It is a non-profit organization that helps match individuals with an appropriate therapist. It was fantastic and the best $35 I ever spent (I see it now costs $40). Within a day someone called me to make an appt to come in for an interview. It was explained this person was one of the 50+ therapists that were members of the organization and she would not be my therapist - her job was to better understand my needs and personality and then match me with the best person. ( http://prstoronto.com/index.html)

The interview was 90 mins and very indepth. We covered in detail what I was hoping to gain by seeing a T, what were the major issues currently going on in my life and how was that impacting my feelings and quality of life, what were my immediate needs and how did I think a T could help. She asked if I had ever seen a T before - what was my experience like - generally what did I like about the overall therapy experience, what didn't I like, describe their style and how they interacted with me, was the dynamic comfortable and did I feel their style and therapy approach worked with my personality ... She forced me to be very specific and really THINK about the details of the interaction - what worked and what didn't. When I mentioned a negative experience she asked why I thought the particular therapist's approach and process didn't work for me.

With her probing I was able to clearly articulate that I was looking for a therapist that going to be very interactive and an active participant in the conversation. I also have a strong personality and needed someone who had a strong backbone was willing to call me on my BS and stall tactics when I deliberately steered conversations away from uncomfortable topics. I don't suffer fools lightly and was looking for someone I considered an EXPERT in depression and its impact on partners or I would mentally write them off as a lightweight and shut down. I also realized I was looking for someone who was going to be directive and provide me with practical, pragmatic advice/tips rather than sit there supportively nodding and saying "hmmm .... that must have been very upsetting for you". The interviewer said she had a specific person in mind after talking to me and would be contacting her to see if she had room for any new clients. If this person was NOT a good fit, I was encouraged to call them asap and they would match me with others until they found the right one for me.

I was matched the most wonderful T who was outstanding - majority of her client base suffered with d or had partners with D. She was assertive, empathetic, communicative, interactive, bright, incredibly insightful and asked ALL the hard questions. I never once left her office thinking that I didn't get 150% value for my money. Every session I had a wow moment.

You may not have a similar referral service in your area, but perhaps you can consider the questions they asked me when you are interviewing other therapists. What have you liked and disliked about the other T experiences.... After you reflect, make a list of your criteria and keep it handy so you can refer to it when you conduct your telephone interviews. I think most of us are too passive in our selection of therapists - this is someone you are HIRING to help you. You have every right to ask probing questions about their personal communication style, therapeutic approach and the make up of their practice. As Lisa suggests, it is OK to admit a particular T isn't "the one" for you and advisably move on quickly. I wish you all the best...Hiker