Hullabaloo,

Reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts. My daughter is a couple of years older (just turned 4), but every word you wrote I would have written myself. Dealing with DH depression is much, much harder now that I have a child. I am also starting a demanding career and DH has been the primary caregiver to our child which makes everything even more difficult. He is deep in the depths right now and I had to send my daughter to her grandparents for a while because I our home was just too toxic. I am counting down the days until she starts school. I want her to have fun, make friends, learn new things and not be worrying about her parents. This is the worst depression my husband has had since she was born. It was easier to shield her when she was younger. A four year old hears everything and is always asking "why". I can't tell her why, just that it is not her fault and that she is a wonderful child and that I am so proud to be her mom and then cover her in kisses. I am going to smother her. I am probably going to over compensate and completely smother her.

I have felt alone and isolated in my husbands depression for so long. Even after reaching out to his family for help I still feel like I have to deal with it alone. They come visit for a weekend every couple of months and then escape back to their lives content that they have done their part. In the last few weeks I have cried out of frustration, fear, sadness and anger. Tonight I cried a little for all of those reasons, and now I cry out of grattitude to finally have a place where I can tell someone how much I have suffered because of someone else's depression without feeling like a selfish uncaring bi---.