Vin you seem to have a very good understanding of the depressed psyche.

It is so true that "the only love he knows right now is the maintenance of himself" I can see that for my DH the only way he can cope right now is to not deal with it- to run away and immerse himself in his work, forge new friendships with people who don't know anything about his personal life and whom he can keep at arms length. If this is what he needs to do to survive right now I can't take that away from him.

I just need to figure out how to merge what I know to be true with how I am feeling and reacting.