When you tell your truth, I am expected to believe it. When I tell you my truth, you tell me I am wrong, sick, or it must be the depression, PMS, Emotions, etc.
When you tell me your truth, I don't want to hear you, I can't deal with my own historical truths, how do you expect me to carry yours?
When you push, I lie to you, I push you away, I am trying to gain space, trying to keep you from invading 'me', from controlling me, like everything else does.
When I go away...I am going away from you, from the pressure, from the 'added' crap I cannot deal with on top of my own.
When I close up on you...it is closing up on your pushing me to do this, see the therapist Now, talk to me Now, how am I Feeling Now, Are the Drugs working Now? You are right of course...I am wrong...I can't do it right, haven't for a long time, so why bother? All you say is, 'blah, blah, blah, blah....
When faced with a pile of books...the feeling is, 'you expect me to concentrate?' A book? a Self Help Book? Like the kind dr. Laura Writes...reading...concentrating...it is enough for me to concentrate at work! These are Truths? Hmmm. Why are my feelings lies, and yours truths. My thoughts lies, yours truths. My emotions lies, yours truths.
Mine, you say, are colored from 'depression'...yours...I play devils advocate here, are biased by your needs, wants, even demands. You do not want to let go...no matter what...no matter what I say...so long as I stay, do as you say, therapy, meds....comply comply...hmmmm.
When I said I love you in a different way than before...you refuse to believe...and I feel guilty...I am destroying the dream we agreed on...and, now, I don't feel that way...I am depressed...it hurts to know I hurt you...I don't want to leave, so I will stay....and stay, and resent that I do for your dreams, not mine. My depression will deepen, go up and down.
When I find the therapist, in earnest, it will take awhile to open up...longer if I am a man...it will depend on how much pain I am in and how good they are. Medication is only part of the equation...
What about our own problems and issues entering the equation? we all have them...or are we so wrapped up in 'theirs' that there can be no others?
Ah, if it were only so easily so black and white...but is isn't.