I am who I used to be. Albeit, a little improved now. First a little of my story. I left my DH 12/31/08. I moved in with friends of ours. I could no longer deal with the daily battering. My DH has filed for a divorce from me, since according to him, the marriage ended because I left, not because he told me that he didnt love me, didnt care about me, and didnt want to be with me. I am married for 26 years, to someone that I don't even know anymore. My DH is undiagnosed and unmedicated.

While I was with him, he just sucked the life out of me. I was the one sitting on the couch, not wanting to do anything.

When I left, I started to get the old "me" back. My friends had just recently bought a house that they will be moving to permanently in July 2010. It needed a lot of cosmetic work. This is stuff that I am good at, but while I was at home, was just an excuse for him to attack me. I came here and painted every wall and ceiling in the house, then I painted the outside of the house. I finished their basement for them. I can also patch driveways, and blacktop them. This was the kind of things that I always liked to do. It's not that I did them, it's just that I didn't want to hear anymore that I couldn't. I can also play pool and win most of the games, I can change auger belts on snowblowers, I have a pick axe and know how to use it. I am now making a collection of power tools... No one will ever again tell me that I can't do something. If I have my mind set on something I will do it.

The way that I improved myself was by not changing myself. It was by getting back to the person that I was and who I want to be. The only thing that I changed about myself, was some of my black and white thinking. I'm more open minded now, and I have a lot more patience. My friends son has autism, and I am learning a lot from this. I went through 2 cancers, a DVT (blood clot), an abusive marriage, and a husband who is depressed and blamed me for everything. I try to look at these things as a learning experience, and that God only gives you as much as you can handle. There is a reason and a purpose that I was dealt these cards, and I will take that as, to make me a better person, and someday to be there for someone else.

Even though I still love my DH deeply, I need to let him go. I need to get my "me" back.