As usual DAML, you have accurately described my last few years, and certainly my last 2 relationships.

My depressive cycle seems to operate in 3-4 year cycles, with around 2 years of depression, followed by recovery (when all sorts of good things happen - mainly because I'm me - and I'm able to function properly), then a gradual slide back down again.

Unfortunately, the good stuff that happens when I'm 'me' usually entails meeting someone new, and starting a relationship, which, inevitably goes sour once I'm back down in the depths of depression again. I've yet to have a relationship last longer than 5 years. I'd love to marry, but I'm too afraid of break-up and divorce - and I most certainly wouldn't want to bring children into that kind of environment.

As DAML, previous partners have all cited similar reasons for their dissatisfaction with me - lack of sex drive making them feel undesired, the pushing away, the need for me to be alone sometimes, the temper tantrums.......I've never been able to explain it before. At least now that I am aware of why this all happens I can do something about it, and maybe explain to any new partner (if I ever make that commitment again) what may happen.....

It's a big ask of someone you hardly know to stick by you when you are down - what reason is there for them staying? They have no knowing if or when you're going to get better, or if the person they fell in love with will come back.

I do know that I'm tired of this cycle, and I'm tired of people leaving when I so want them to stay, but I have no means of showing them that it's worthwhile them staying........

I can only hope that time, introspection, treatment and taking better care of myself will yield some answers and maybe even some solutions.

Thanks again DAML for sharing your story with us.