I honestly don't think they can even think about what we as partners are going through. Depressed people tend to do a lot of 'navel gazing', which means they can only see themselves and their pain, not because they are truly selfish but because the illness won't let them . I think all logical thought process is out the window and you can tell them as many times as you want how bad this makes you all feel, they just don't get it. When I had a talk with my husband last week (remember he moved out over a year ago but still hasn't initiated dicorve proceedings or anything; he seems happy with the status quo) I told him that I couldn't tell him how many times in the last year I have been to hell and back and he just sat there with a blank stare and said: "So you've told me!" When I asked him if he even cared, he got all uncomfortable and wouldn't answer. I really, firmly believe that there is an inability on their part to see anyone else's pain or even anyone else's point of view when they are in depression. why else would he not try and fix the realtionship with his daughters? He can't even see the pain that they are going through and I HAVE to believe for my own sanity that he is not doing that on purpose, as that would make him a selfish bastard and I will NEVER believe that about him!! I honestly think I will love him until the day I die. I will be okay on my own but I dont; think I will ever stop loving the man I fell in love with 30 years ago and he may never get that if he doesn't get help. I am just amazed he is keeping it all together at work and I am really afraid of the day when that will stop. However, I do believe he will have to hit rock bottom before he gets help and he just isn't there yet! He so defined himself thorugh his work and his job that I don;t think he will hit rock bottom until he can't function at work anymore but then I think that may never happen, as by leavign he has removed all the other stressors out of his life (the nagging wife, who complained that we didn't spedn enough time together, the kids who always wanted his help or attention with something, all the work in and around the house etc, etc.)
Anyway, I really don't think they are capable of thinking about how we feel as partners or as family. All logic and rational thinking is completely out the window with them. At least that is how I see it!!