Hi DAML,
I live with my DSO. He is 33, I'm 34. I recently learned (after suspecting since this past autumn) that he has been depressed for at least over 1 1/2 years, possibly longer, at least in part due to unemployment, but it started before that. He had a previous episode of depression and I can't know but wonder if he stopped the treatment too early. Early in our relationship we dated, things seemed to be going well, he confided about his depression but placed it in the past, & then he stopped therapy, relocated, broke up with me, and started looking for a new job. I treated that as a normal breakup, but have to say it didn't feel like any others I've experienced. Several months later I heard from him & we reconciled. Now, almost four years later, here we are.

He finally asked for my help to sort through the govt. sponsored counseling (no health insurance) and I was happy to do that, after being at a loss for what to do for so long. He's been in therapy since the end of April, on Lexapro for about 6/7 weeks. I have a couple of questions and hope, since your story really rings true to what seems to have been going on for so long, that you'll have some advice:

1. Right now he has been taking 10mg Lexapro. I can't tell if the medication is working, and while I know therapy is a slow process, sometimes I worry about these doctors--he doesn't have much choice and has said the "office is depressing" and "the psychiatrist is okay, but the counselor doesn't seem to 'get' me". How does your feeling about your doctor affect the treatment progress? For me that would be huge!
Is there a way to tell if the medication is working the way it should be? DSO found a part time job about the same time as therapy started & that has improved things a little, but he manages during the day, then comes home and sleeps for 2/3 hours, not wanting to do much.

2. I still experience the "fallout" of relationship drama. I am having trouble telling, based on my usual relationship experiences, what is going on. He will say (and show) he loves me in so many ways, but will periodically say he wants to be single, wants to date other women, thinks we should break up because "I" or "we" would be happier--and when I say, "I'd like us to stay together, but it's up to you to decide what you want," things go back pretty quickly to the way they were. Sometimes it feels like the mountain of getting his career back on track and life back in order seems too hard--either too hard to do with me, or maybe too hard period--so he focuses on finding relationship drama instead? I guess I wonder if this process is even one of which he can be aware?

3. In general, how can you tell if there is a basic problem with your relationship when the depression is always there, wreaking havoc? What could you recommend as a way the non-depressed partner could encourage you to go to couples counseling that would feel comfortable for you? I have started seeing a counselor myself & wish I knew when the depression started, since I would have started getting support for myself then.
Last night I asked my DSO to go to the counselor with me. I made it pretty clear that I need to be in a relationship that is healthy for both of us, that I am learning about what depression can do to damage relationships for both people, and that to be healthy, I feel we need some support together. Before I knew about the depression, I interpreted his behavior as a commitment issue & possible need to break up, so I let him know that right now marriage, kids, etc. talk is off the table--that the counseling is about figuring out how to move on from the struggle of the last year +, learn how we might choose to stay together in a healthy way and, because the counselor is a well-recommended one I can see through health insurance, maybe a way for him to see a doctor he likes better. She was super helpful and offered to see my DSO on his own first, to get to know him and see how he's feeling privately, using a sliding scale in lieu of insurance.

4. I apologize for being really blunt, but basically I feel as your wife expressed she did--if my DSO will not take responsibility for getting better, and if he will not go to counseling with me, I will want to end our relationship pretty soon. This is a hard thing to think of doing, since I really love & like him. I hate what depression--and our lack of knowledge about what to do--has done to the two of us. If this discussion needs to be had, what do you think might be the most productive way to have it? I am not an "ultimatum-giving" kind of person, and it's very hard to know how to approach my bottom line in a positive, non-threatening way.

Thank you so much for your advice when/if you have the time.