my husband --when not in a strangle hold by the D--has expressed to me that he knows how hard this is on me...doesn't understand why I stay with him, can't believe how much I put up with,etc....he also talks about how when he thinks about how horrible he has been to me, his family, friends,etc..that it makes him more down and feeling even more horrible about the things he has done..kind of a sick circle of thinking...

I used to "pretend" to be happy when he is really low in hopes that it would make him better...but I've learned that it doesn't matter what I do ,or how I act,,that he will have the D no matter what..it's his burden to "fix", not mine.

When he's in the midst of a really bad D mode...he has not clue to what he's doing, it's all about him, it has nothing to do with me...and I struggle with how to handle myself around him---it's then that I focus even harder on myself...talk more to the therapist, read,exercise, be kind,etc...


Hardest part for me right now is letting go of all the horrible things he's done to me and his family, and forgiving and moving forward, giving myself 110% to our marriage and our relationship or until my heart & head tell me to throw in the towel