Optimistic, I have learned not to get into arguments when my DH is in D. If he starts to pull me in, and I can feel we're going around in circles, I use an excuse to get off the phone or walk out of the room. If he won't let up, I'll be honest and say, I can tell you want to start an argument, but I'm not going to do that, and so I'm going to leave now. Or hang up, however we're talking. So we no longer have arguments about nothing. It works for me. Might try it some time?

And yes, it is exhausting to be the one to always initiate. Again, I've learned that when he's in D, I am best to leave him alone. When I miss talking to him, I might just text him and say "I love you" or "look forward to us connecting again". And then wait till he's ready. He always writes when he's ready. and if he's still cranky from D, then I stop contact till he's ready again. Hang in there!