Don't worry Opti, not sure how long you've been going through this with your DH, but I think I've been learning for about 10 years now. Taken me this long to finally not get pulled into those arguments. I should even say, almost 15 years, since we've been together that long. But wasn't until we got married that I realized there might be some sort of D, or at least a hint of something not right. So if you've got less years than that, you're given a pass that it's learning curve in how to be on this end of D and how not to make things worse. 

I can't talk for everyone, cause every D person is different, I've only learned what my DH is capable of. And he always comes back from a D episode. So I'm lucky in that way that when he's not talking, I know it will just be days till he'll be ready. It is probably different when the D partner isn't living there and you don't know what's going to happen next. But, that said, I usually find that when I don't get into arguments with him, he can't argue, so the fighting stops. And if he wants to keep the arguing going, say in an email, if I feel like saying anything, I just keep writing, "I love you". Because he can't argue that! LOL No matter how angry he is, he can't take away my love. And then finally he gives up and realizes, oh, she's not arguing with me. 

When he's been at his worse, and he's not talking to me at all, and I'm really missing him and I feel him slipping away, I just tell him, "I miss you, but I realize you need some space. I will give you all the time you need. And I hope that you can feel better soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you." Usually by the next day or that night, he writes me via email or text and says, I'll be better soon. And by the next day, he starts to come out of it. Now, that's my DH. But I've noticed when I take the pressure off of him, it helps. He is on meds though. I think a D person not on meds, won't have the same results. 

JB - I totally share your experience on not being angry! My DH always tells me I'm condescending when we argue because I remain calm the whole time. Early in our relationships he would get me to be a crazy person and I think that made him feel better. Then I realized how psycho he was making me and stopped doing that. I forget what movie or show we watched where a person he respected explained that remaining calm in an argument kept the fight from escalating because at least one person was calm. And I said, see! That's me! That's why I'm calm, but you take it as condescending. So far he hasn't been threatened by my calm nature. Hopefully that made sense to him finally!