Ange,

that's been an ongoing question in my head. I have a DSM-IV and have read up on depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disorder. The thing that seems to fit the best for me is that he is an atypical depressive - a concept introduced to me in Anne's book. He does cycle for sure, sometimes he is able to get up early, exercise and has a great day and is easier to put up with, less cranky etc. When he stops getting up for workouts, I know we're headed for trouble. He doesn't scream mania. He cycles pretty quickly sometimes though, definitely a cycle. It's really difficult to pin down. We have generally had a pretty active, mutually satisfying sexual relationship and I would not say he's over the top when we're especially active. I cycle through that too - but I think it's related to my hormones and being in my mid-30s. The porn pops up a few times a year - that I catch anyway. He told me that while he was away on business, he visited a store and bought a magazine, but tossed it of course before he came home. That kind of material isn't tolerated in the country we live in. He's lucky he hasn't gotten in trouble for looking at it on the web here- I'm kind of surprised the police haven't broken down our door, but maybe too many people do it despite the laws so they can't keep up. He's done it on his work computer too, putting his job at risk, multiple times and hasn't been caught. He really seems to access the porn when he's down or on his way there, not when he's up. It's strange.

He's seeing a psychologist for CBT - I had a thought this morning that I would write up a letter, as though I were writing it to the dr. and see if my DH would either allow me to send it or share the information in it with his dr. He knows he's on thin ice right now, so for the moment, he's complying with all of my requests, including the one to have STD testing. At the same time, I'm trying to stay out of his tx and let him be. Officially his diagnosis is "Depression - ICD- IO - F -32 -O" according to his medical report. I have no idea what all the other mumbo jumbo is after the Depression part.

I doubt him seeing a psychologist once a week for focused CBT is going to yield a very accurate diagnosis. I do, however, believe when he says he doesn't enjoy his downs at all and that he wishes things were different too. It's all terribly confusing and frustrating. I just want things to be back to normal, whatever the heck that means.