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This message board is for the friends and families of people who suffer from a mood disorder.
It is associated with Anne Sheffield and her web site
www.depressionfallout.com
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Want to know what depression is like? - Part II - Relationsh
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Re: Want to know what depression is like? - Part II - Relationsh
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amber2403
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Apr 19 11 2:52 AM
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I am the girlfriend of a PTSD war soldier, who has also suffered from depression and thoughts of suicide in the past. In fact, the entire reason he joined the military, he told me once, was to die. Luckily, he had an awakening during boot camp, and has thus survived 7 years in the service and 2 deployments. However, with the first deployment, shortly after September 11, (he joined in 2003), he saw and witnessed a lot of horrific things that thus brought on the PTSD.
I want to thank you for your post because as it seems I am living in the shoes of your wife at this point in time.
You see, he was recently re-enlisted and moved to a base closer to home. Where he once was in Alaska, he decided to come back to Texas. However, with leaving Alaska, he left 7 years of friendship, support systems, and brothers that he's fought along side, and what he came to was new place, where he knew basically no one. His friends, family, and myself were closer but still too far away to see on a regular basis. And to make things worse, our relationship is long distance and has been that way since it started. Out of the almost year since we've been dating (a year next month), we've probably spent a total of 2 months together.
Not only that, but he's also going through a lot of issues and problems with his new base, his superiors, and his future is basically in limbo for several different reasons.
And he lashes out at me. We communicate mostly through text, phone calls every now and again, and skyping when he's up for it (which is becoming harder and harder to get him to do now). He's gone as far as calling me names, to telling him he didn't want to be in relationship, to further telling me to lose his number. It wasn't until this post that I realized that it was what could be his depression talking, not him. I have to believe he didn't mean the things he said because when I do offer to give him a break (not a break-up, or losing his number) he side-steps around it by saying that he's not sure what he wants or thinks or believes. And he never fully commits to the "break" he at one time was so sure he wanted. He spouts it out in the heat of the moment and then pulls away from it, almost as if he's trying to act like he never said it at all. All of this I have to attribute to his depression.
Because he would have never said any of those things to me before. Before he told me I was beautiful, amazing, and strong. He told me on a constant basis how much he loved me, how happy I made him, how he's never loved anyone like he loves me, or how he wanted and couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I haven't heard him say those things for a while now. It's hard not to get hurt, not to take it personal, and not to feel like he's losing interest when they suddenly stop.
It hurts to know that I cannot help him, that I cannot make him laugh, or make him smile. That when he talks to me, he really has nothing to day. Most of his answers involve a "Yep," "Nothing," "I don't know," or "Maybe." His responses are short and disconnected, and as understanding as I try to be for his circumstances, I can't be 100% successful. My feelings do get hurt, I do feel like he's pulling away from me, and I do feel like I've done something to have caused this.
He still tells me he loves me, but only when I say it first, and while I know he means it, I don't feel the love behind the words. It's heart-breaking because all I want to do is to help him. And I don't know how.
His PTSD has been known to rear it's ugly head in the past, but it's never last this long, and he's never gotten this low before. He won't talk to me about anything that's going on with him. I think he just considered the possibility of depression this weekend because his mother mentioned he might need to get on medication for it. But even with that now being in his head, I don't see him seeking help any time soon because he doesn't talk about his feelings ever. It's the hardest thing in the world to get him to open up because it makes him feel so uncomfortable, he's not used to it, and he doesn't like it.
I got him to see a counselor once before, his mood got close to this, but lasted not nearly as long. And the only way I could do that was to threaten to leave him if he doesn't. However, I can't do that now, because I'm not sure it would help. I'm not sure he would be too concerned in not letting me go. He can only see himself, his own pain. He's even told me, once when I asked him to be, that he couldn't be my rock. We don't share kids, or a marriage. There would be no reason for him to try and make the effort because as you've stated in your post, he can't remember the memories or even the way he said he's felt.
I even tried to talk to him tonight about a fun memory from our past. He said he remembered it, but shrugged it off and had no interest in re-living it. I was hoping him that by reminding him of the good times, I could have at least gotten him to smile. Needless to say, that did not work. And it only ended up hurting me in the process, but I could not show him that. I had to be strong. Whatever I'm feeling I have to ignore because I need to focus on him, and making him feel better. There is not focusing on me until I have successfully completed that.
I have noticed that he has started drinking more frequently, but it's not to to the point that it one time has been. He'll have a couple of glasses of wine or beer on the weekends, not a 1/5 of Jack every night (this occurred before I knew him). He stopped drinking as much when we started dating.
I'm not sure what I can do or how I can help. I reached out to his sister, but I know if he finds out that will further ignite his rage toward me. At lately that's all I feel, rage, disdain, distance. I feel like the texts he gets from me are the last texts he wants to be receiving. He has no interest in talking to me anymore, it feels like, and so much so that I think I'm potentially only making it worse. i want to back off, for his sake, but I don't have that in me. I'm loyal, probably to a fault. And I can never just give up on him. I need to feel like I'm helping him. But ultimately, I just don't think I am...
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