littlemisssunshine wrote:
I found out tonight, that he has been lying, and hanging out with another woman. I had suspected something was up, he's been secretive, things are not adding up, but found out today after sneaking into his fb account. I am terrible I know.

I feel crushed, 9 months of being there all the way, helping him, supporting him, mentally and financially, surprising him with little things, helping his mom, trying to make his life easier, and this is what happens. This man who has always had so much integrity, who'd never give me reason to suspect anything, is blatantly lying to me. I don't know what is going on there, friends or more, but the betrayal has got me feeling mad and crazy.

I don't understand why he even still reaches out to me, why does he even still care, why does he stick around then???
I'm sorry that you found out that he has been lying to you.  Betrayal by someone you have trusted implicitly is an awful feeling.

If you read around on these message boards you will learn that a dalliance with another person outside of the relationship is not unusual for the DSO.  Not that it will be any comfort for what you are feeling, but it seems to be par for the course.  Lots of theories as to why this happens -- one of them being that the DSO is in need of feeling "positive" feelings to combat all the overwhelming negative feelings that are churning around inside of them.  The negative feelings are ones that they can't control.  So attention or flirting or flattery or sex from someone else creates these "positive" feelings in the moment.  The problem is that once the moment passes, they start feeling more negative feelings of guilt and shame.   And that compounds the need for the "positive" feelings all over again.  It's a vicious cycle.

More importantly, try your best to realize that his actions are not a result of you or a reaction to anything you have done or didn't do.  I.e., don't get trapped into thinking that something you did or didn't do is contributing to or causing his behavior.  It's not about you.  Rinse and repeat.

Selfishness and indecisiveness are other lovely attributes of depression.  For those of us who have experienced it, the DSO will keep us "on the hook" by reaching out to us, or being unexpectedly kind, sticking around, etc.  Again, this is where boundaries are important.  What will you put up with and what won't you put up with? 

It's a good time for self-reflection and getting reacquainted with your own values, and then honoring them.  Talking to your own therapist is highly recommended!

Sending you strength.