"I waver between days of feeling hopeful that he will be alright, that I will be alright, to days where the sadness and tragedy of all this overwhelms me.

For so long, despite that I put serious effort in trying to take care of myself, I have been living closed off from everybody, in hiding from feeling inadequate, feeling too gloomy to be good company, being stuck in my head, not being fully conscious of my surroundings, and mostly, living for my DSO's sake."

Your comments are so familiar to me. I have been experiencing the exact same thing. You put into words exactly how I've been feeling. It is hard to try to navigate from one day to the next how I will feel, how he will act towards me. As you said, living for my DSO's sake... always thinking about what I can or should be doing to improve my life, or his life. I've been doing as much as I can to do things for myself, but feel a bit overwhelmed being a single parent, running my business, worrying about my DSO, and then trying to take care of my needs.


"For the first time in many months, I am fully aware of my choices, I don't jump at his txt messages, I am not constantly wondering what he's doing, how he's feeling, I no longer look for and wait for his reactions and am not hurt by his lack of attention to me. All of a sudden, I kinda just don't give a #*$% anymore. I still love him to death and look at him as the love of my life, yes, at least I love the man underneath it all, and I will continue to support him in getting himself better, but I am not gonna stall my life and wait for something to happen anymore. I still hope for him to come back, but whilst moving on with my life, and hopefully our timing will coincide again. To summarize, I have decide to love without expecting anything in return, but to love myself more. "

I appreciate you sharing your story about letting go. This is something that I understand in certain moments, but have yet been able to embrace it fully myself. I still get upset by his actions... which I really wish I could let go. I am happy to hear you have been able to adjust your mindset and perspective and that he is being more communicative. I imagine in time that I'll be able to get to where you are... I generally am able to do this with other parts of my life, just not with the man that I am completely in love with. I have allowed myself to be totally vulnerable with him and I fear losing him completely. I watched the Brene Brown lecture... it was really inspiring. I really want to share it with my DSO, but not sure how well that would be received right now...