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Posts: 1516
Jan 11 13 9:36 PM
I wrote the following on another thread & am posting it as a new thread at Ange's suggestion:Have we, the fallout partners, been wronged by our d partners? Most likely yes. Have our partners committed almost unforgivable acts? In some cases, yes. Should we be treated more lovingly? At times, yes. Are we justified in our anger? Almost always, yes. Are we under appreciated? Quite often yes. Are we overworked & overburdened? Oh yeah! Great, so we are right. BUT that doesn't help...at least it doesn't help me.I needed to find forgiveness. I couldn't live happily holding a grudge & rehashing past hurts or wrongs committed by my partner. In order for me to be happy, I needed to forgive & to understand. I understand that d does horrible things to a person's mind. Luckily, I have never experienced d myself, but I have seen how it twists my husband's mind. Try putting yourself in your partner's position. You are struggling with an illness that wreaks havoc on your mind, leaves you feeling tired all the time, emotionless & often angry, you lose the joy in life & in things you used to love, you find the people closest to you become suddenly annoying, you lose the loving feelings you once had...life pretty much sucks! You do things & say things that hurt your partner...but don't really get it. In fact according to your partner, everything you say is wrong, hurtful or not like the "old you." You feel you are right & justified. You don't understand. Your partner says you have changed & that d is causing this all...but you never remember being happy or feeling joy...never, ever in your life. You really think your partner is wrong...you do not have d...at least you don't think so...maybe you are crazy!? Your partner is on you & expects you to act lovingly but you just don't feel the love...you only feel angry or dead inside. You have trouble controlling the anger...it is always there...you try to control it, but sometimes, it is just too strong & you can't. You say or do things you regret. Your partner complains that you do not help enough but you are just SO tired...all the time.Okay, in your d state, you are mean, yell, don't thank your partner for something, etc. & they expect a big grandiose loving gesture to apologize & oh yeah, they want you to be filled with gratitude for staying with you...staying with a screw up who can do NO RIGHT in their mind. Maybe they are right...maybe you just aren't good enough!? You don't feel loving, you only feel empty & angry. Every time you screw up, your partner needs a grandiose loving gesture...but you are tired...so very tired. You keep screwing up...at least that is how you feel...what your partner tells you. You probably screw up the apology too...it is not big enough, sincere enough, heartfelt enough or loving enough. Why even try? You know you'll just mess it up...you always do. So you don't try.Then you start to feel better. Great! Right? Maybe not. You help around the house for the first time in weeks or even months...feeling good about what you did & about yourself...BUT apparently, it's not enough! You should have done more...your partner tells you just how tired & overworked they are...tells you EVERYTHING they had to do because of your d. They tell you just how lucky you are that they stayed...that they deserve better. Maybe they are right...maybe they do deserve better! You do something nice for your partner as you are beginning to feel the love again...but once again, it is not enough. It is never good enough! And while your partner tells you they need more, they bring up stuff you did days, weeks, even months ago. I know that cycle played itself out with me & my husband for years...in the beginning.In order for me to be happy & for my husband to be happy, I need to treat him how I want to be treated. I understand d is very hard. I try to put myself in his shoes. I want to be a part of the solution...not just a part of the problem. I know d will always be a part of our lives. I forgive him for any wrongs or hurts caused by his actions while d. I do not dwell on or try to rehash past hurts. I accept apologies. I accept loving gestures for what they are. I do not always want more. I accept my husband d & all. If I did not, I would leave him for my sake as well as his...
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