proptart,

I have come to think that my xdbf has had depression from even before we started going out. It was just very mild, almost not apparent. Things were stable and there was no stress in his life or mine for the first 4 years. I think within the last 2 years when he started feeling the strain of work/studies and not having good relationship with his boss, he came to show more obvious signs of depression. It took me another year to realize how bad it had gotten.

I think what you said about the depressed people seeing relationships differently might be right, too. I don't know if this is what you meant, but I think my xdbf has an idea of an ideal boyfriend in his mind and he worked very hard to act and be the perfect boyfriend to me. With time and especially with the D, he no longer could maintain the boyfriend image. It required too much work and energy for him to continue. I guess if love is work, it's not sustainable. It wasn't work for me to love him. I wish I could have told him that he didn't have to try so hard, but to just enjoy it. But that is the problem with D, isn't it? They are not able to feel happiness or joy. I am afraid and sad to think that when he thinks of me and our relationship, all he will remember is how much work it was for him. And most of what I remember is how happy he made me. Then I have to remind myself how much he hurt me so callously at the end.