Okay….really weird thought.  “Am I afraid to be happy?’

 

Yeah.   I am .  I’ve been so depressed for so long, I almost don’t know what to do with it.  I don’t mean euphoria, but rather I am shying away a little bit.  I can’t figure why except …maybe I haven’t felt happy in so long that I don’t know what to expect from it.  I honestly can say last time I was really happy was before I got married.  That is a sad thing to say.  I do remember great times dating my wife.  Sadly those memories are far much better than the ones I have with my wife while we are married. I’m not saying we didn’t have ‘good’ times, but to be happy….I honestly don’t think i have had a happy marriage.  I know things are not supposed to be perfect, but even in mental clarity since September, I can’t think of a week where I was honestly happy………I remember 1 trip in 2006…..but sadly….that’s all.  All the rest was…..just ‘okay.’  Or have I been that depressed for that long……maybe my MDE was longer than I thought. 

I really miss being in a good mood.  I’ve been so unhappy for so long that I am afraid of what might become of us.  She refuses therapy, and I feel somewhat responsible.  I mean no sex for 8+ years..  Thinking about that makes me depressed.  ( Whispering to myself, “go to my happy place.”)  I don’t want to be unhappy before.  I think that

Inability to cope with stress + Bad situations + chemical imbalance = depression.  I really hate saying this.  I am enjoying my time while I am not with my wife than when I am with her.  My observation of her is:

Being with depressed husband + no sex for 8 years + father dying + only one who can handle mother’s depression = MDE.

She is in perfect denial.  She refuses to acknowledge her depression.  This week I implored her to go see a dr or therapist.  She has continued to refuse.  I do not want to have an ultimatum, but I might have to go that route.  What do you guys think?  I mentioned now 3 times in the last week about marriage counseling but she refuses to go. “I don’t have a problem!” she screams at me.  I try to inform her that our marriage is in jeopardy , and she walks away crying going back to playing her ipad. (++%% thing I want to break it)

It’s weird how much sadness and depression I can pick up from people, now.  It’s almost like when I quit smoking.  Anyone who just smoked a cigarette, I was much more sensitive to smoke , now than I was before smoking.  My wife reeks of depression and sadness.  *groan*

Thoughts…..suggestions?  I think mino and I switched sides.  I am now definitely part of the fallout crew.  This sux!