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Posts: 1062
Feb 8 13 5:00 AM
Okay….really weird thought. “Am I afraid to be happy?’
Yeah. I am . I’ve been so depressed for so long, I almost don’t know what to do with it. I don’t mean euphoria, but rather I am shying away a little bit. I can’t figure why except …maybe I haven’t felt happy in so long that I don’t know what to expect from it. I honestly can say last time I was really happy was before I got married. That is a sad thing to say. I do remember great times dating my wife. Sadly those memories are far much better than the ones I have with my wife while we are married. I’m not saying we didn’t have ‘good’ times, but to be happy….I honestly don’t think i have had a happy marriage. I know things are not supposed to be perfect, but even in mental clarity since September, I can’t think of a week where I was honestly happy………I remember 1 trip in 2006…..but sadly….that’s all. All the rest was…..just ‘okay.’ Or have I been that depressed for that long……maybe my MDE was longer than I thought.
I really miss being in a good mood. I’ve been so unhappy for so long that I am afraid of what might become of us. She refuses therapy, and I feel somewhat responsible. I mean no sex for 8+ years.. Thinking about that makes me depressed. ( Whispering to myself, “go to my happy place.”) I don’t want to be unhappy before. I think that
Inability to cope with stress + Bad situations + chemical imbalance = depression. I really hate saying this. I am enjoying my time while I am not with my wife than when I am with her. My observation of her is:
Being with depressed husband + no sex for 8 years + father dying + only one who can handle mother’s depression = MDE.
She is in perfect denial. She refuses to acknowledge her depression. This week I implored her to go see a dr or therapist. She has continued to refuse. I do not want to have an ultimatum, but I might have to go that route. What do you guys think? I mentioned now 3 times in the last week about marriage counseling but she refuses to go. “I don’t have a problem!” she screams at me. I try to inform her that our marriage is in jeopardy , and she walks away crying going back to playing her ipad. (++%% thing I want to break it)
It’s weird how much sadness and depression I can pick up from people, now. It’s almost like when I quit smoking. Anyone who just smoked a cigarette, I was much more sensitive to smoke , now than I was before smoking. My wife reeks of depression and sadness. *groan*
Thoughts…..suggestions? I think mino and I switched sides. I am now definitely part of the fallout crew. This sux!
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