Well not all my details are here but here is a post of mine from another website that I am a member of. I couldn't go through the whole ordeal again.


The Best of Me
Tuesday, February 5, 2013 | An Inspiring story
Today I left the house. The sun finally came out and the temperature was 0. So today I made my mind up to start my new journey. The road will be long and hard, this I know. Am I up to the challenge ? I don't have a choice, I have to be. I will not let this disease get the best of me....I will not let it get the rest of me. It already did get the best of me. The disease took my better half away from me. For without this disease I would still have my soul mate, my best friend, my love, my life partner and soon to be wife..... the best of me. That is all gone now thanks to this debilitating disease known as depression.
So I got out and walked....and walked ....and walked. As I walked along the paths of the river I passed many people. Some single, but mostly couples. As I walked that path I was able to remember walking it with my partner and I thought how many miles of pathway that we never got the chance to walk. Why didn't we get the chance? Because this illness turned me into someone I wasn't, it turned me into someone else without my partner or I even knowing. I could never understand where the anger and irritability and sometimes rage came from. Why would I become so irritated over such little things ? Why did I become so lethargic ? Why did I become so withdrawn, so distant ? I did not realize how much I had changed but I had. At one point I remember her telling me during an argument that I needed help. Part of me thought it was just words in a argument, but part of me thought.....yes... I do need help. I knew something was happening to me but I could not figure out what. So how do you ask your partner for help when you can't explain what is wrong with you. I believe now that many things I did were nothing more than a cry for help from her. I cry that never got answered. These things were only seen as drastic flaws in me which were quite understandable now that I think about it. Neither her nor I ever thought that it was all due to depression. Symptoms and signs that I now know about, that I now could never miss, were completely ignored.
I waited my entire life to meet the woman of my dreams. Everything I ever wanted in a life partner was one day brought to me out of the blue. Prior to meeting her the last couple years of my life were very content. Or so I thought. I had decided that I was happy on my own, away from all the drama that couple endure. The truth of the matter is, and this has only come to light as of late, I was not happy at all. I told her right up front that I smoked weed almost nightly in order to relax and sleep. When in fact what I was doing was self medicating so the I loneliness and depression was kept at bay, and it was. Once we met my need for the self medication was no longer needed, or so I thought. I brought some of it into our new life as backup, only to be found out. It was disposed of and never to be used again. My crutch was now gone. As time went on more and more of those unfamiliar thoughts and feelings came back. Eventually it destroyed us and I did what most depressed men do. I ran away, I left so that I could no longer hurt the ones I love...the ones closest to me...my new family. As depression crept into my life I saw myself as inadequate, undeserving and unworthy of my new family. To save them I had to leave, and as the feeling of depression would weaken so would the thought of inadequacy and unworthiness so an attempt to reconcile would take place but then the depression would raise it's ugly head again and with it came the worthless feeling, irritability and anger and the cycle repeated until finally she had no choice but to move on. And so with that went the best part of me...the woman of my dreams and her beautiful daughter....my family.
And so now comes the long road ahead of me. For since then I have witness the disease of depression full on. I have sunk to a spot where I wish no one to be, and now it is time to crawl back out again, and take my life back. Will I ever meet another woman of my dreams? Not in my life time for that only comes once in a life. For no one could ever fill the shoes of your soul mate...not ever. I must now put all my effort into repairing myself and repairing the damage that all this has done to me. The sad part about it is, I must now face it alone, and without my life partner and best friend....without my better half. The Best of Me