Team BB or Madbeggar’s wife,

Good afternoon, and finally nice to write to you.  You and your husband were the first story I felt I could relate to.  I literally was following in those same footsteps.  Like your husband, if my posts stop a future depressed person from following our footsteps, then that would have been okay with me.  Something happened while on this forum.  It became therapeutic.  Never did I realize that sharing my story would have a healing affect.

You are right.  It is much easier to be on this forum than it is to speak with my wife.  Many times my wife asked me what I was typing.  I mentioned the forum, and the terror of her finding my posts became evident.  That’s when I erased those posts.  I still kept the original copy for myself.  I realized that the erasure was pointless.  Part of my shame was the act of cheating.  Unless I erased 250 posts at that time and leave the forum completely, the post erasures would have meant something.

 I didn’t leave. 

I needed to communicate my feelings to someone, somehow.  Any way I could help someone deal with either their own depression or the dso, then I felt I could somehow redeem myself.  At that point it didn’t matter if my wife found these posts.  The result would most likely be the same. 

You don’t have to worry about sounding harsh or not.  I just want a straight shooter who isn’t afraid to tell me the truth of what they see.  I take everything with a grain of salt.  I think my clarity had changed from‘mania clarity’ to the current middle emotion.  In my mania, I felt like I was invincible, and could change the world.  I could be married and have the OW.  I needed sexual fulfillment. To overcome this , I was always honest with my therapist and psychiatrist.  Both of them recognized symptoms of mania.  That’s what prompted my doctor to reduce the antidepressant dosage.  The dosage reduction just put me back into a depressive state, and we upped it back into the mania clarity state.  My current clarity was helped achieved by my psychiatrist and my therapist.  Both have been working hard to see what my emotions were indicating.  I never realized that my manic state existed until my therapy right before Christmas where my doctor was introducing a mood stabilizer to my regimen.

Also I did not report everything on our forum.  My therapy sessions were very helpful in helping me realize where my thoughts were, and why I was thinking certain things.  My therapist challenged me on my thinking back in December about the OW.  I am glad she did.  She asked if this was normal for me.  It clearly wasn’t but just like any depressed person, she wanted me to realize on my own what were the consequences of my actions.   

So are my actions now not that of a husband?  Good question.  I’ll be honest my wife and I haven’t been connected as husband and wife for 8+ years.  I will try one more time to talk about couple’s therapy and why it is important for us to at least try to make this work.  My wife refuses to see anyone even though I think she has situational depression.  You are right.  I need her to change for me.  It’s not about who I was before.  My needs have changed as well as hers.  I don’t think I am projecting.  She clearly is miserable and has anxiety issues.  (She knows about her own anxiety)  I think the combination of my depression along with her anxiousness has produced an onset of anger and apathy that I have only seen in depression.  You take that situation and add in our sexual dysfunction; and her fathers untimely demise on Christmas day 3 years ago, and I think we have all the makings of situational depression.  I know it is just conjecture, but I really think I am right in this case, and I am not projecting. 

I don’t post everything about my relationship with my wife.  Some things I keep to myself and is just shared between my wife and I.  So I may sound like I am not doing husband like things.  I am very aware of that fact.  Thank you for pointing it out, as I wonder if anyone was going to realize I was withholding the intricacies and intimacies of a husband and wife.

I appreciate your candor and opinion.  I have been waiting for your response for about as long as I have been o n this forum.  Thank you for your time and your honesty.

-WW


Last Edited By: wrongway Feb 17 13 10:47 AM. Edited 1 times.