Alicea,

 

I spoke to her yesterday morning after she had her coffee.  I told her I had something serious to talk to her about and I wrote most of it down.  Since I have written this letter almost 2 weeks ago with many edits, I can recite everything that was important without even looking at the paper.  As soon as I hit sentence #2 she asked me if I was going to divorce her.

My letter was as follows:

Mrs Wrongway,

 

We’ve been married for 11 ½ years.  You are my best friend.  Through thick and thin you have stood by me.  For that I am very thankful.  We’ve been through good times like going on the trip to St Kitts ; our wonderful pets:

·       Woobie

·       Casey

·       Mug boo

·       Pen pen

Even those that didn’t live here, but I consider family (Her parent’s pets over the years)

·       Charlie

·       Pookus

·       Bubba

·       Ginger

·       Fritz

·       Jake

·       Molly

We’ve been through tough times:  you losing your job, me losing my job, flooding during the addition.

Probably the hardest thing is dealing with my depression.  I have been battling this now for 20+ years.  I just found out I am bi polar II.  What does this mean?  I am manic depressive on a minor scale.  I am hyper aware of my feelings and moods.  With the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, I have been able to get this under control.  Someone with bipolar disease is 6 times more likely to experience depression than a manic state.  In November I hit a slight manic state.  My doctor recognized it immediately and took steps to control it.  Only until 8 weeks ago did we get my bipolar disease under control with mood stabilizers.

This has been very difficult for me.  In depression I had to battle fogginess, confusion, anger, apathy, pain and an overwhelming sensation of worthlessness & shame.  Because of these feelings, I had become self absorbed and in many cases, rude to you.  For that, I am deeply sorry. 

In a manic state, I become confused, disoriented, distracted easily, super horny.  These are feeling that I feel even though I may appear fine. 

I have felt normal now for 8 solid weeks with the exception of Chicago.  My mental clarity ( my ability to think on my own) started last September.  It was right on time with my new job, and I want to thank you for standing by me all this time.

There are things that concern me.  Our relationship has grown in many ways.  I have been able to trust someone like you where before I was always suspicious of everyone.  I have been able to mature emotionally even though I am a natural goof. 

Your mom and dad have been more of a parent than my own parents.  I couldn’t have a better extended family.

This is why this makes this so hard.

You are my best friend

We haven’t been intimate in years….9+???  I can’t even remember

That’s really bad.

Both you and I want intimacy.

We both want children

I don’t think I can have kids with you

I am not sexually attracted to you.  I know this sounds hard.  It is completely me.  It has nothing to do with you.  I was hoping this was the affect of my depression.  When coming out of depression I was thinking my feelings for you would return.  I’m afraid they have not.  I am so sorry.  I wish I could think of another way.  I think we should separate.  Please forgive me.

 

Tears began to well up like a Disney character, and she started balling. 

·       I want a separation. 

·       I need space. 

·       I also need to sleep in another room

I spent the majority of the day cleaning out the spare bedroom.  I went out later to decompress.  I was at a bar with 3 other old men and that suited me just fine….quiet.  I don’t drink anymore but I had about 4 virgin Bloody Mary’s.

I watched some sports games on the tube, and I stayed for about 4 hours.  I went home afterwards and she was a clingy as white on rice.  I almost had the urge to leave again, but I know she is insecure.  She asked me lots of questions. 

About me

About us

About taking eachother for granted

About not asking what we needed from eachother

About my depression

About what I found attractive; but I refused to answer, and then she thought I was gay.  *Lol*  I hate loaded questions ie “ does this make me look fat?”

In the end, I am willing to see a marriage counselor.  I would prefer a 3rd party, but I truly do not think that a counselor will change my attraction with my wife.  I do not think that is realistic.

What do you guys think?

-WW