SGF...

I really feel for you .. Fallout/break ups are just the worst! (here is a BIG HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG).

When you read my posts on this forum you may think that I was never in a position like you, but you can trust that I was and I still remember the pain in my heart... devastated does not even cover it!

In those first few months after my exbph left me the first time for bimbo #1, I could hardly function. dramatic weight loss, felt like my heart had been ripped out and had no idea how I could live my life with this man... we had been together since we were 18yrs old... (41 when he left). So I do GET how you feel.

So now comes my stern talk... (and you can also trust that I was told most of these things by members that were on this board ten yrs ago and I hated them for what they said to me lol )

When you beg him to take you back you are selling your soul... you are demeening yourself. Why would you do that ? (my answer back then would have been 'its because I love him soooo much)
My answer if i was really honest was more about ME and my insecurities, but also out of love/care. My point here is it's wasnt just out of love and care, but I couldnt see that right then.

Learn to validate him for how he feels... He is telling you that he no longer loves you or wants to be with you, and that hurts ... hurts bad. BUT it is how he feels, rightly or wrongly.

He feels that he hasnt been happy and yes, its most likely due to his mental health issues, and for him the only way out is to leave .. HE will learn his own lessons in this.. rightly or wrongly.

Most of them do go through some grief/loss over the end of the relationship, but may not be able to pinpoint it because its mixed up with all those other crappy feelings they have from D.

For him right now, he does feel like the reason he is not coping is due to the issues that he sees are in your relationship. Rightly or wrongly... this is the way he feels.


I dont know if you are in counselling for YOU.. (a great thing to do if you are not) but perhaps you need to look at WHY YOU NEED A SECOND CHANCE... Why are you pleading for a second chance.. what did you do wrong? (no need to answer me.. but make sure you dig deep for the answers for your own analysis)

When I look back at how I was for those last three years of our marriage, I can see that I spoke a lot about my exbph's denial.. and yep he sure had a lot of that going on ... But as I focused on him I did not see my own denial...

My own denial included things like...
He would come back home every week to get his family fix. (so of course this meant he loved me and would be back for sure! for good!) 
He would tell me he cared about me but couldnt be with me, so that kept me hanging and believing that one day he would snap out of it.. (oh yeh he did and he came back and left 8 times!)

I could see my exbphs love for me in his eyes for a long time after he got sick... In mania or severe depression those eyes would sometimes look at me like I was the devil too, but overall there was love in there.

Fallout is a harsh reality and definitely makes breaking up much harder.

When I read your post above, it screams to me of someone who is sacrificing herself for someone who cannot be with them right now.

I really believe that letting go a little (as hard as that is to do ) is the best you can do for YOU right now.

Letting go is not giving up...
Letting go is allowing him to do what he needs to do and to shift your focus on to yourself and working on your own issues.


Again ... I am really sorry and Im sorry if you dont like what I write.... Please disregard it, if what I say has no meaning to you.

huggs
Ange

Take  what  you  need . . .  leave  the  rest .Blue_butterfly
Last Edited By: Ange1961 Aug 4 13 8:10 PM. Edited 1 times.