I am right there with you. we are now on day 9 of our separation. I feel Im doing pretty well and have started moving on although we still have to gather belongings , furniture etc... from each others place. I do not want to see him at all. I find that that would be to painful for me. Best to stay away. He has been texting and emailing and expressing remorse for the hurt this is causing and how much this is hurting him too.(why do it???) I responded only by text telling him that I am taking care of myself at this time and when I was ready i will get to him in a few days regarding details about moving things. He is in flight or fight right now and is changing everything in his life with a huge sense of urgency. He sounds very tired and sad when he calls. I imagine he 's been drinking. I sure this is taking toll on him as well(perhaps I am kidding myself).

I will in no way beg him to return. I don't have to convince anyone of my worth. AND in saying all that I do really miss him and I do think that we aren't completely done yet. Somewhere in my mind I think I am waiting for him to return like he has done 3 times before. I have been in this exact position last year and the year before. He moves things, tell his family Im not the one and then he always returns and says i love u so much, ive made a mistake. This always comes after a period of about 4-6 weeks of him being alone without me. These rogue episodes have always proceeded , important family events, holidays , ex wife death, daughters wedding.
The difference is this time is I did not try to stop him. I helped him packed. I got so angry that that I was letting this person pull me down, my self esteem had plummeted. When he was walking out the door he wanted to hold me and I told him to "get the hell out of my house". I had just reached a tipping point of mental abuse. The back and forthing of I love you so much/ I don't love you enough was just to excruciating and cruel. I actually started thinking something was wrong with me. I had a HUGE wake up moment just a few weeks ago when we were in Italy and thought to myself "WTF" am I doing here and doing to myself. What a blessing.

(Now suddenly in this moment I just flipped into D- denial. Maybe its just me UGGHhh!) This is the mind playing tricks. DO not believe your thoughts as they are not YOU.

I have a wonderful support system and friends who are treasures. They call and are life boats in my day just as this message board is.
I AM TAKING CARE OF ME. FOR ME..... am staying very "inward " right now. I have let others know I am lying low and staying quiet for now. Feels like I hit a pole going 100 miles an hour and I am just getting up to walk away. I continue to do daily meditation and get out for yoga classes. I am resting I am nurturing my own soul and licking my wounds till they start to heal. I am loving me. I am a blessing and worthy of all good things and nobody can take that from me or tell me Im not. Remember underlying their D is "I don't like myself" That is not about you!

Listen to your body, what do you need right now to take care of you? a bath, sleep , talk to a friend, fallout boards just to ramble, whatever nourishes you, or just releasing the tears to cleanse. Give yourself permission to be in a trance for a bit. Its normal when we have been wounded. We need to heal and that requires down time.
I trust these veteran fallouts as they have paved the way for us by sharing their stories and give hope for freedom from the D. It' not our illness unless you choose it to be.
NO man/women can define your worth and especially an unhealthy-D man or women.
He will treat you only the way you allow him to treat you.

I just want to scream " Don't allow him to do this too you". Don't you see..... He doesn't deserve you!
I know we care and love our D-person and want to help them. We think our love will overcome.
All men find women that love themselves so much more appealing. Women are 18% more powerful than men and he wonders why you are giving your power away by begging him. THIS IS A TRUTH!

Im a Huge believer that we can manifest anything in our lives AND I know that the formula for this is the following: let go, let go let go, Just hold space for miracles to appear, practice self love , HAVE FAITH.
Im not saying that this means the D will come back or not BUT by letting go, it opens up space for all kinds of miracles to appear ( whatever those may be). Everything happens for a reason.
After we let go, we become clearer . When all these blessings start pouring into your life you may be thanking God for Unanswered prayers.

Im thinking of you...and am here.