It does hurt, it hurts very much. I also first started dating my XDH 8 years ago and it makes me cringe to think of the wonderful person he was then and how much he has changed. You mentioned that your ex has BP and I also suspect that my XDH has BP, but has been misdiagnosed with major depression and is not on the right medication. This explains why I've watched his condition get progressively worse over the years.

I'm sorry that he threw you for a loop... Maybe he had some clarity and in that time he thought of you and your relationship, but since then his judgement has clouded over again? I really hate D and BP and what it does not only to the person but also to their loved ones and I really wish their was some kind of cure.

Like you, my head is saying one thing (to get as far from this situation as possible) but my heart is saying another (that I miss and love him). But one thing is for sure... My XDH went through his first MDE or manic episode in the spring and that was enough for me... I could not go through that erratic behavior and verbal abuse again.

Don't blame yourself. Don't question yourself... You're not stupid, you just really loved this person who unfortunately has a mental illness and causes them to act erratically. It's very hard and sad and I wish I had a magic wand for all of us!