Jessho: I want to go back in time to when I was 19 and had a killer bod and a great tan. In college, no job, no real responsibilities. And I think I have as much chance of that as I do of my DH suddenly coming to and fixing it all.

I don't know what the last 2 sentences of your post mean. Could you explain?

Sometimes I think of what could be, but really he is another person now. His family members can't explain his behavior, our kids refer to "Old Dad" as who he was, and "New Dad" as what he is now -- cold, rude, seeming anxious to get the visit with them over with, lying, cheap, cheating, self-absorbed, and acting victimized. Even his brother warned me not to hold on to something with him.

And to be literal about your question, what I want is to get through this feeling I have, this PTSD maybe. To let go of the guilt and the self-blame and the fault-finding of myself, that had been heaped upon me this past year. To realize what I did to try to preserve this marriage, supporting him financially while he had late-night booty calls without my knowledge. And to accept that I did it, and move on without bitterness. To accept that I did everything I could, that I can hold my head up high, that I don't have to explain to my kids why I kicked Dad out or cut him off of money. I want to feel satisfied that I have honored our marriage vows even now, if not for DH, then to God who we took that oath before.

I can't imagine that this match up of his will work out in the long term, but my concern should be myself. I am now trying to work on myself emotionally, spiritually and physically every day.

Hugs to you too, Vel.  Thanks for your wise words, Fuffy.