thank you for all your thoughts. i don't know where i'd be without this board. it has kept me sane through the most horrible of times. even if i'm just reading other people's stories as they all are so unfortunatley familiar. i've been with him through so much pain. so many bad times i've tried to his rock. so much up and down. including a time i called 911 because i was so scared when he had a breakdown once. and so much of it is secret. a couple of my close friend's know about his depression but if i told them everything they would be shocked. i know sadly many of you on this board would not be. that gives me comfort others are going through the same but sad how we have all been affected by this. through the years i am shocked with how much emotional pain i have been able to withstand. though it has left it's battle scars including suffering from anxiety now and it's given my self esteem a good beating. my job holds me together. it's where i'm respected, accepted, and rewarded. thankfully i have that. 

when he is past his current episode i will ask what is the status of his therapy and have him set some timelines. i cannot have this drag on for months. a few months ago he told me he was leaving me and then a few hours later told me he changed his mind. that's when i set this boundary if we were to stay together and he agreed. i remember when he told me he was leaving me though i felt such a sense of sadness, i also felt a great sense of relief. i love him but he doesn't love me back. he just makes excuses for everything. that is the root of it. i could go through the depression with him if i knew he loved me and if he fought to get better. but he doesn't. 

they say a sign of insanity is when you do things the same way and expect a different result. which i've been doing for years. i'll try to remember this and change my ways. though it's hard. 
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