Bluecar,

i totally understand how you feel the way you do.  He has hurt you tremendously!!!  It is unbelievable really and sometimes I have to go over everything mine did too because it feels like it is all in my head now that he is being nice.  I think when Fallout first starts we honestly would do anything to have them back.  I remember when I first got on this forum last April and was reading some stories where the DSOs were talking and doing the push/pull I thought I would give anything just to have him text me back or show some emotion towards me after 23 years.  At that time he was full out in an MDE and he was like a "monster".  Fast forward to now and I am seeing my real husband again with texts and helpfulness, but it is not the same.  It can never be the same.  I am still terrified he will turn on me again.  I completely walk on eggshells when he is around.  I see him 2-3 times a week when he is here to pick up/drop off our son.  He has said how sorry he is, how he knows how much he disappointed me and how he is sorry he has put us through all of this.  That is WAY more than I ever thought I would get.  I think that what you are feeling right now is very understandable.  It is what we all or most of us thought we wanted.  But so much has happened that we can never go back to the way it was.  Some people can make it work again and I totally admire that.  For me, I am literally taking it one day at a time.  I am taking a wait and see approach.  I don't think anyone is here to judge.  We are all in this together.  And like you, I read a lot--like every day, but i have been finding it difficult to post lately.  Just know you are totally supported and I am thinking of you...