Hi Ellen
Sorry ive only just caught up with your posts.
i wish I could help but can only do so from my own perspective.
i came to the conclusion enough was enough.  I love my xdso with all my heart.  But I cannot vision a future any better than now with him. 
Hes completely destroyed and keeps telling me he loves me.  If heard that more times in the last week than in the entirety of our relationship.  
I just have to keep reminding myself of the fact he's ill and he is not going to recover and everytging will be magical. It won't.

i don't want a life time of fear, of crumbs, of no plans, of little emotion, of egg shells, of sadness. Wondering each and every day if something will or won't happen.  Of getting pangs every time I get a text. Will it be nice, will it be hurtful.  I've spent too long drifting.... Not making too many plans for myself just in case. Or when I do only thinking of him.  

Whist I was holding on to him, I was destroying me.  My view is that make the break.  Tell him you are doing so.  If that doesn't provoke him into action then you have your answer. But stick to it and move forward.

mine was provoked into action but not the right sort. He has promised me everytging apart from getting himself the right help.  The complete and total avoidance of that is the KEY factor in all of this for me.  He can 'say' he now loves me all he wants.  But we can't have a relationship like that.  I refuse to live like it any longer.  Whilst you hold on you might be missing hapoiness elsewhere. Make yourself free to enjoy. To relax.
i don't hate my xdso. Don't even resent him.  Love him with all my heart.  But can't fix him, can only fix me.
whats that line again ..'change a thought, move a muscle'?

whats the worst that can happen?

im not to blame, you're not to blame, none of us are. 
How many more months and years are you prepared to deal with this?  Forever? Then go right ahead.  If not then find your marker pen and draw a big fat line. And don't cross it again.

im saying this from a very sad, teary but much much stronger place right now.