Vin

I totally get the mountain metaphor. Early in this he felt remorse and sought forgiveness, then expected immediately to cross over to an "easy friendship". that is of course a friendship that has no expectations. It is really an acquaintanceship. So you are spot on that while he has pulled me back from time to time, when he needed me, he feels as though he was clear about what he can give - a friendship of depth is not something he can give. Not to me, not to anyone. He cannot even seem to give a fatherhood of depth to his daughters. He is tired of asking forgiveness. He wants to be taken as he is.

Eating the bread and throwing out the contents is apt. He would rather throw the whole mess out. he was continually projecting the bad throughout the relationship. 100 percent in but always with caveats about ability to sustain.

What I struggle with his this total lack of care about what happens in my life Remember we are in contact and he unloads his stuff to which I am attentive. It is as though my stuff really does not exist.

Blue car:
I want badly to be where you are right now. I am working toward it and feel as though I am on the precipice of drawing that line. I have been reading the archives and the checking in threads and focusing on all the hopes that got dashed in the end. that really helps me with reality. All in our time, I think

I just downloaded a Great Course on Mindfullness which I hope will help me be more mindful. If you are not familiar, it is a meditation practice to clear your mind of obsessive and racing thoughts. You are right, I have lost my ability to appreciate the moments of my life. Sometimes it feels as though it would be better if he had died (God, help me). Having him 5 minutes down the road, absent his good eco skeleton, is unbearable.