Hi lostsoul, sorry to hear the reasons you are here.

I was diagnosed with depression in March last year but have been living with it a whole lot longer than that. It took a major incident to finally make me seek help and although I am on the right path, I have left a lot of hurt and devastation behind that I can't undo. That weighs heavily on me and there have been times when I just wanted to run away from it all and press the self-destruct button.

D skews your thinking. When I read back over some of the stuff I have posted, I can see how irrational it is, although at the time I posted it made perfect sense. Where love is concerned, I believe that many D sufferers feel that they themselves are unlovable and so push people away. I know there were times when I effectively sabotaged my marriage/relationship of 19 years because I was too much of a coward to face up to the truth and it was easier to make my wife feel guilty. I messed her head up pretty bad and we are struggling at the moment, which makes me scared that I'm going to lose her for good now. Not that I'd blame her but now that I'm being treated and have a better understanding of things, I realise that I love her very much. Time will tell I suppose.

In my opinion, your XDSO knows that something is wrong but can't face up to it, so he is filling the void with self destructive behaviour in order to either completely escape reality or in the hope that something will come along to rescue him. What he hasn't realised is that you cannot get away from yourself, so when he is on his own, the darkness will be there waiting for him again. Until he recognises that he has a problem and actively seeks help for it, there is very little you can do. The best advice I have seen on these boards is to take care of yourself. I would also suggest not making contact with him or if you do, set very clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept. I certainly wouldn't let yourself be intimate with him again whilst he is behaving this way.

​The point is that yes, D can make you not feel love and can make you feel like you want to be on your own. As much as it may be an illusion though, it seems very real when you are in D.

Hope you're okay, best wishes,

Martin