Beck83

There's a consensus among the majority that depression caused the break up. I don't agree with it. There's another one that you cannot do anything about the depression. I agree. There's another that you cannot fix them. I don't agree. The break up precedes the depression. If they are long term depressed a gap in the depression gives the breakup the opportunity to occur and the depression the opportunity to refocus on the relationship.

Ideally the interconnecting relationships in my previous thread should be like this:-

You are the SO (emotionally distraught) and your friends husband could be a DSO (physically hitting).
Your wife is the DSO (physically cruel) ------- --- --- The friend could be an SO (emotional distraught).

Here your wife could write a letter to the friends husband (physically), you could post it (emotionally) and the friends husband could read it (physically - not to beat his wife up). The friends husband could write back, the friend could post it and your wife could read it (physically - to mind her own business).

Obviously in this example your wife's impression of the friends marriage is the friend is better off without her husband 

If subsequently your wife scans a letter in a newspaper in a bar and she picks up on the physical aggression content and you both physically walk away from the newspaper without staying to find out the emotional content the fault is yours for not holding up the newspaper (you are the letter poster and you should have picked up the newspaper and given her it).

Your wife's impression of the friends marriage is now going to be different because she has co-joined aggression and walking away. If the friend physically walks away from her husband the friend is going to get physical aggression so they are better off together. To prevent this, your wife's has to give a lot physical help to the friend to enable her friend to keep close contact with her husband. Your wife will become her slave.

It seems reasonable to assume your wife isn't this stupid because she wrote a letter reminding the friends husband not to touch her friend or she would help her friend to divorce him. Hypothetically.

Not so!

You are getting the blame for not picking up the newspaper and showing her it. You deliver nothing, so you couldn't have delivered her letter to her friends husband and your wife couldn't have written it because it couldn't have been about the combination of her friends husbands aggression and walking away from it. In the example whenever your wife thinks about newspapers she will blame you. Initially she will be cruel because she assumes you are being cruel towards her friend and when she starts to help the friend this cruelty will disappear leaving you with the impression you are winning her back when you are not.

Hypothetically, to talk her out of it you would have to get her to simultaneously understand the emotional content in the newspaper (the focus of her blame) along with the emotional content within you (when she was blaming) when you posted the letter to her friends husband.

The (focus of her blame) could be not getting her plastic surgery a couple of months ago (her issue) and when she (was blaming) this could be ten years ago when she disagreed with a doctor who suggested she needed plastic surgery.

In this example getting her plastic surgery, medication and therapy is not going to cure her distress, because her real distress is that ten years ago a doctor thought the idea of plastic surgery was a good one and it was never countermanded. Here you would be getting the blame for not carrying out the doctors thoughts because you couldn't have possibly posted her letter disagreening with his opinion. If you offer her the plastic surgery she will assume the doctor giving her the treatment should realise it isn't necessary, so she will tell you your offer is too late.