I've stumbled across this message board and I'm not yet sure about publically speaking on my challenges, but I know networking has helped me in other areas of my life and that is what I hope I've found with this forum.
I'm 43 with two children 21 and 12. I've been with my husband for 15 years and I feel I'm losing him into a deep dark place from which he will never return. I've been researching depression for some time now, and I'm sure that is what he is suffering from.
I guess the beginning is where I should start:
Sadly I saw his first signs of depression after only 3 months of dating, but we were wildly in love or lust I guess I realize now. If something, anything went wrong or not his way, he would resign to the bedroom for days on end. I looked past this as the good times were so good, we had so much in common, we traveled, he accepted my first daughter as his own and we just seemed perfect together, regardless of the bouts of "resigning to the bed for days on end" as they were pretty few and far between in the beginning. I was on the exective fast track, and being relatively new to the City he was so supportive, helped me take care of my daughter if I had client dinners, everyone was so happy.
As time went on, I realized that the relationship may not be all that I had dreamed of, but again, when things were good (80% of the time) they were really really good, he never even in his down days ever called me a nasty name, but he was becoming more and more self centered, and he not realizing how much his mood swings were impacting me despite trying to care for him and talk with him about how we had to communicate and let me help him. By the third year I think I was ready to leave, but I became pregnant that year. I found myself scared to tell him, and his reaction to the pregnancy was that it was all my fault, I did it on purpose, I'd trapped him. I was indeed ready to leave, but within a few days his mood changed, and in the months following we became closer than ever, and I stayed, and we married shortly before I had my second daughter.
The years that followed were good, the "resigning to the bed" decreased, and we built a life, we bought our first home when our youngest was 2, and although our communication conintued to struggle like many young couples, we pressed on committed to make it work.
Six years ago he had a back injury that put him over the edge - 1 year of doctor after doctor until finally he had back surgery and learned that he had a degenerative disc disorder. The year that followed that surgery was tough, one income, and him not working for a year really was a struggle for him. He was slipping away, "resigning to bed" began again. We dedcided to take a "save the marriage type trip", we went to Mexico with a another couple "family friends" - From the moment we arrived at the hotel, he was not happy, he claimed the room smelled of mold and demanded that I rectify the situation immediately. We spent the next 1.5 hours going from room to room until he found one to his liking. I was relieved, I was so stressed, but accomodating, I wanted us to have a great time and regardless we were now on the other side of the resort from our friends, I thought we could start fresh, head to dinner and begin the fun. Instead he resigned to to the bed with migraine.
I went to dinner that night with our friends and we had a great time. The next day, it was like none of that ever even happened, the trip was amazing until the last night, we'd had too much to drink, and an young man from holland planted a wet kiss on me and unfortunately caught up in the moment and induced by alcohol I reciprocated. Unknown to me my husband saw the entire 2 minute ordeal. Not knowing that he'd seen, as he never mentioned the rest of the night went on, we had a great time, although I felt horrible, why had I allowed that kiss to happen. I tucked it in, and moved on. Upon arriving home (June in Texas) - our air conditioning was out, he was furious and demanded that I have it fixed immediately. I "resigned to bed with a migraine" it took 2 days to fix, and by this time I was already sleeping in the spare room as he said he couldn't deal with me moving around so much when his head hurt so badly. On the 3rd day at 3am in the morning, he abruptly woke me and demanded to know why I had cheated on him - dazed and a bit confused I didn't know how to respond, until he said "you cheated on me in front of everyone, kissing that boy, making out with him". I was so embarrassed, I know I should have told him, and despite my apologies and pleas that he forgive me for the indescression, he resigned to bed with a migraine for two weeks. Daily I apologized, and after two weeks he declared to our children that I had cheated on him, and that I was a horrible person, and that I have made him so sick and that is why he had been in bed for two weeks. Then demanded that I apologize to our daughteres for making him so ill. He resigned to the bed with migraine for another week. Important to note, that we had bought a time share earlier in the week and due to the incident he defaulted on that and we lost thousands we had already paid as he stated he would never go there again. I can't blame him for that, that is on me, but I think we could have handled the financials of that better so we wouldn't have lost so much money...Finally he snapped out, things were tense, but getting back to normal. He deleted all pictures from that trip from all devices including my cell phone. I deserved it, what a horrible thing to do on a save the marriage trip. Nonetheless, after the finanacial implications of that, we separated our financial accounts, I couldn't let him destroy us financially.
The reason that story is so important is that it would be the bases of which, I have believed, his growing hatred for me in conjuction with the following:
I recieved a job offer two years later (June 2010), that would put me away on international travel 35% of the time, it was a fantastic opportunity for me I was so excited, and together we made the decision he would take on the stay at home dad role. After the first 6 months, the "resigning to bed" began to increase again, and now was escalating in calling me while on business ranting that I had left him to deal with the children while I partied abroad and lived a full life. I offered to resign the position and take on a less demanding job if he would be willing to take on a part time job so we could continue to manage the finanaces. He insisted that he couldn't work his construction profession due to the back issues, so we agreed that I would press on, and do more preparation before I left to make things easier for him while I was away (precooked meals, all grocery shopping done, hired a house keeper to clean and do laundry) - Things became much better, he was much happier, but began spending large sums of money ($500) in a week while I was traveling - and really nothing to show for it and would be angered if I asked during money balancing on what the money was being spent on.
Two years ago, he joined the Texas Militia, he was so passionate about it, he found new friends, he'd never been happier, I felt I was seeing the man that I loved at 100% of what I knew he could be. Although 6 months later he quit, he started a new business with his militia buddies manufacturing fire arms, and things were going really well, I was excelling at my job, the kids were thriving, and he was on top of the world. That was until he began to have challenges with his business partners, he was withdrawing, spending less time at their office / workshop - and everything was everyone elses fault. I offered to help the business organize, as this was the main issue, and this is what I do, organize businesses to be financially successful - he didn't want my help, stated I didn't have the time, I insisted I could find the time, and he insisted that he would figure it out. Then I realized, he wanted his own success, I've been wildly successful, and he wanted his own success. I backed away. In november of last year, his mother had to have brain surgery, she was in the hospital for 6 weeks, then in rehabilitiation for 2 weeks, and has now been in our home for the last 5 weeks. He has been the model son and been the amazing man I know him to be.
Which brings us to current day, his business partners are taking legal action to kick him out of the business, he had step down as president of operations when his mother become ill and apparently they found him to be a noncontributing member long before that. I am currently on international business in the Asia Pacific region, he was to meet with an attorney and sign the contract and pay the retainer fees. He is an authorized user on one of my CC cards and I told him there was just enough on the card to pay the retainer. What I didnt' know is that he had been using the card over the weekend, so when he went to pay the lawyer the funds were not there. To make matters worse, I was out of cell range that day with clients, and so despite his attempts to reach me (50 calls and 25 text) - I didn't call him back until later that evening - He told the lawyer to forget it all. This has turned into all my fault, I don't care about our family or him, and he has resigned to the bed since Wednesday - only getting out to take our daughter to and from school. Thank goodness his mother is still with us, so she is caring for our 12 year old daughter. He is furious with me, he destroyed his cell phone, and went out and bought a new one for $800 (with the same CC he tried to pay the lawyer) - and now hates that phone too, so he destroyed that one as well. I have calmed him a bit, and I have sent a note to the attorney this weekend in hopes he will still take my husbands case (i'm sure he will these things happen).
I will return from Asia on Saturday next week, but I'm feeling that I have no alternative other than to leave him. He won't seek medical attention for the migraines that keep him bed ridden during each bout of depression or something that doesn't go his way, so I have no reason to believe he would see a therapist for what I now believe is severe depression. We sought out therapy for marriage counceling after Mexico and he went once and vowed never to go again.
I'm sorry for the novel, I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I should or should not do, I'm planning on getting therapy for myself as I feel I'm now slipping, and I can't and won't let that happen I need to be strong for my daughters, and I've worked too hard on my career, the only thing that keeps us financially sound to walk away now. Although I have entertained taking a job for half my current salary to focus on my family, if I can get my husband to agree to cut our expenses. I can live without TV, vacations, everything material if I can get him on board.... to date I haven't been able to get him to buy into that.
If nothing else, thanks for listening.....
I'm 43 with two children 21 and 12. I've been with my husband for 15 years and I feel I'm losing him into a deep dark place from which he will never return. I've been researching depression for some time now, and I'm sure that is what he is suffering from.
I guess the beginning is where I should start:
Sadly I saw his first signs of depression after only 3 months of dating, but we were wildly in love or lust I guess I realize now. If something, anything went wrong or not his way, he would resign to the bedroom for days on end. I looked past this as the good times were so good, we had so much in common, we traveled, he accepted my first daughter as his own and we just seemed perfect together, regardless of the bouts of "resigning to the bed for days on end" as they were pretty few and far between in the beginning. I was on the exective fast track, and being relatively new to the City he was so supportive, helped me take care of my daughter if I had client dinners, everyone was so happy.
As time went on, I realized that the relationship may not be all that I had dreamed of, but again, when things were good (80% of the time) they were really really good, he never even in his down days ever called me a nasty name, but he was becoming more and more self centered, and he not realizing how much his mood swings were impacting me despite trying to care for him and talk with him about how we had to communicate and let me help him. By the third year I think I was ready to leave, but I became pregnant that year. I found myself scared to tell him, and his reaction to the pregnancy was that it was all my fault, I did it on purpose, I'd trapped him. I was indeed ready to leave, but within a few days his mood changed, and in the months following we became closer than ever, and I stayed, and we married shortly before I had my second daughter.
The years that followed were good, the "resigning to the bed" decreased, and we built a life, we bought our first home when our youngest was 2, and although our communication conintued to struggle like many young couples, we pressed on committed to make it work.
Six years ago he had a back injury that put him over the edge - 1 year of doctor after doctor until finally he had back surgery and learned that he had a degenerative disc disorder. The year that followed that surgery was tough, one income, and him not working for a year really was a struggle for him. He was slipping away, "resigning to bed" began again. We dedcided to take a "save the marriage type trip", we went to Mexico with a another couple "family friends" - From the moment we arrived at the hotel, he was not happy, he claimed the room smelled of mold and demanded that I rectify the situation immediately. We spent the next 1.5 hours going from room to room until he found one to his liking. I was relieved, I was so stressed, but accomodating, I wanted us to have a great time and regardless we were now on the other side of the resort from our friends, I thought we could start fresh, head to dinner and begin the fun. Instead he resigned to to the bed with migraine.
I went to dinner that night with our friends and we had a great time. The next day, it was like none of that ever even happened, the trip was amazing until the last night, we'd had too much to drink, and an young man from holland planted a wet kiss on me and unfortunately caught up in the moment and induced by alcohol I reciprocated. Unknown to me my husband saw the entire 2 minute ordeal. Not knowing that he'd seen, as he never mentioned the rest of the night went on, we had a great time, although I felt horrible, why had I allowed that kiss to happen. I tucked it in, and moved on. Upon arriving home (June in Texas) - our air conditioning was out, he was furious and demanded that I have it fixed immediately. I "resigned to bed with a migraine" it took 2 days to fix, and by this time I was already sleeping in the spare room as he said he couldn't deal with me moving around so much when his head hurt so badly. On the 3rd day at 3am in the morning, he abruptly woke me and demanded to know why I had cheated on him - dazed and a bit confused I didn't know how to respond, until he said "you cheated on me in front of everyone, kissing that boy, making out with him". I was so embarrassed, I know I should have told him, and despite my apologies and pleas that he forgive me for the indescression, he resigned to bed with a migraine for two weeks. Daily I apologized, and after two weeks he declared to our children that I had cheated on him, and that I was a horrible person, and that I have made him so sick and that is why he had been in bed for two weeks. Then demanded that I apologize to our daughteres for making him so ill. He resigned to the bed with migraine for another week. Important to note, that we had bought a time share earlier in the week and due to the incident he defaulted on that and we lost thousands we had already paid as he stated he would never go there again. I can't blame him for that, that is on me, but I think we could have handled the financials of that better so we wouldn't have lost so much money...Finally he snapped out, things were tense, but getting back to normal. He deleted all pictures from that trip from all devices including my cell phone. I deserved it, what a horrible thing to do on a save the marriage trip. Nonetheless, after the finanacial implications of that, we separated our financial accounts, I couldn't let him destroy us financially.
The reason that story is so important is that it would be the bases of which, I have believed, his growing hatred for me in conjuction with the following:
I recieved a job offer two years later (June 2010), that would put me away on international travel 35% of the time, it was a fantastic opportunity for me I was so excited, and together we made the decision he would take on the stay at home dad role. After the first 6 months, the "resigning to bed" began to increase again, and now was escalating in calling me while on business ranting that I had left him to deal with the children while I partied abroad and lived a full life. I offered to resign the position and take on a less demanding job if he would be willing to take on a part time job so we could continue to manage the finanaces. He insisted that he couldn't work his construction profession due to the back issues, so we agreed that I would press on, and do more preparation before I left to make things easier for him while I was away (precooked meals, all grocery shopping done, hired a house keeper to clean and do laundry) - Things became much better, he was much happier, but began spending large sums of money ($500) in a week while I was traveling - and really nothing to show for it and would be angered if I asked during money balancing on what the money was being spent on.
Two years ago, he joined the Texas Militia, he was so passionate about it, he found new friends, he'd never been happier, I felt I was seeing the man that I loved at 100% of what I knew he could be. Although 6 months later he quit, he started a new business with his militia buddies manufacturing fire arms, and things were going really well, I was excelling at my job, the kids were thriving, and he was on top of the world. That was until he began to have challenges with his business partners, he was withdrawing, spending less time at their office / workshop - and everything was everyone elses fault. I offered to help the business organize, as this was the main issue, and this is what I do, organize businesses to be financially successful - he didn't want my help, stated I didn't have the time, I insisted I could find the time, and he insisted that he would figure it out. Then I realized, he wanted his own success, I've been wildly successful, and he wanted his own success. I backed away. In november of last year, his mother had to have brain surgery, she was in the hospital for 6 weeks, then in rehabilitiation for 2 weeks, and has now been in our home for the last 5 weeks. He has been the model son and been the amazing man I know him to be.
Which brings us to current day, his business partners are taking legal action to kick him out of the business, he had step down as president of operations when his mother become ill and apparently they found him to be a noncontributing member long before that. I am currently on international business in the Asia Pacific region, he was to meet with an attorney and sign the contract and pay the retainer fees. He is an authorized user on one of my CC cards and I told him there was just enough on the card to pay the retainer. What I didnt' know is that he had been using the card over the weekend, so when he went to pay the lawyer the funds were not there. To make matters worse, I was out of cell range that day with clients, and so despite his attempts to reach me (50 calls and 25 text) - I didn't call him back until later that evening - He told the lawyer to forget it all. This has turned into all my fault, I don't care about our family or him, and he has resigned to the bed since Wednesday - only getting out to take our daughter to and from school. Thank goodness his mother is still with us, so she is caring for our 12 year old daughter. He is furious with me, he destroyed his cell phone, and went out and bought a new one for $800 (with the same CC he tried to pay the lawyer) - and now hates that phone too, so he destroyed that one as well. I have calmed him a bit, and I have sent a note to the attorney this weekend in hopes he will still take my husbands case (i'm sure he will these things happen).
I will return from Asia on Saturday next week, but I'm feeling that I have no alternative other than to leave him. He won't seek medical attention for the migraines that keep him bed ridden during each bout of depression or something that doesn't go his way, so I have no reason to believe he would see a therapist for what I now believe is severe depression. We sought out therapy for marriage counceling after Mexico and he went once and vowed never to go again.
I'm sorry for the novel, I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I should or should not do, I'm planning on getting therapy for myself as I feel I'm now slipping, and I can't and won't let that happen I need to be strong for my daughters, and I've worked too hard on my career, the only thing that keeps us financially sound to walk away now. Although I have entertained taking a job for half my current salary to focus on my family, if I can get my husband to agree to cut our expenses. I can live without TV, vacations, everything material if I can get him on board.... to date I haven't been able to get him to buy into that.
If nothing else, thanks for listening.....




