Hello everyone,
So it was one year ago yesterday my DH moved out. Fallout for my family started 7 months earlier than that--he just didn't move out right away. He spent 7 torturous months "very unhappily" staying. I was the cause of it all. He didn't hate me; he just felt indifferent. He ignored and stonewalled me for the entire 7 months while I tried to save the marriage. It was a few months before I realized he was probably depressed and needed to get medical treatment. He was so angry-- he had this seething, red hot rage towards me. It was like the more love and support I gave him, the angrier he got. He would tell me he was definitely not depressed, he just finally wanted to be happy. He brought up every little thing I had ever done wrong in the entire 23 years together. One was when we were first married and he had me proof read a cover letter for him when he was applying for a new job. I guess I corrected some spelling errors and he said I made him feel so stupid. He did that with every fight we had ever had and every mistake I had ever made. It was as if it just happened. It didn't matter that I had apologized at the time and we had I thought moved on. It was just as if every single thing I had ever done wrong was fresh in his mind. I remember him saying to me--"You want me to just call a mulligan and everything will be rainbows and unicorns."
He moved out--Feb. 28, 2014. He sent me an email at work. He said he had tried and he knew I would think that he had just thrown in the towel, but that he wasn't happy so he thought it would be best for all of us if he just left. He didn't tell the kids. I had to. My daughter was in grade 12 and my son in grade 9.
The conversation I had with my son that night is forever ingrained in my mind. He asked where his dad was. I said his dad left and wasn't coming home. He went to his room. It took me a long time to get the courage to talk to him. He was crying--absolutely heartbroken. My DH had been the most involved parent you could imagine. He was at every school event, every sporting event. Volunteered in many organizations.. And he left. It was a 180 degree personality change. My daughter was angry right away--she still is.
The next 6 months were a living nightmare. I found out he had built up a lot of debt over the years--I had no idea about. He moved right in with another woman. A woman he worked with. She had many live in relationships. He was the third that year. I was completely shocked that he did that--I still am. She was not his type at all. We barely saw him for the next 6 months. He came to my daughter's grad events, which was very awkward. The kids saw him maybe 2-3 times. Within a week of leaving, he had retained a lawyer and was telling me what I got and what he got and that I just had to sign everything. I wasn't very fast at getting our joint finances separate and he spent a lot of money during this time. My parents had a fire and their house burned down and they came and stayed with us for 3 months. I believe everything happens for a reason. My parents were so supportive during this time--the worst in my life and their life. I was finding out all of this horrible stuff that my DH had been doing and did. He basically left us with no money for the month of May. We had to scrimp and I remember going to the store to buy toilet paper and I was terrified my card would be declined.
Mid August, I got a call from him. He sounded quite frantic. He said it seemed like his texts weren't coming through to us. My kids had blocked him so we weren't receiving anything at all. He had pretty much ignored me for 6 months, so I hadn't noticed. He said he had broken up with her and he was going to the doctor to get on medication for depression and that I had been right all along. He wanted to go for supper with us-- we said no. It was like he "woke up" and the last year hadn't happened.
The medication seems to have worked for my DH. It has been 6 months. His personality is back. Even the tone of his texts to me are like him. it just completely shocks me still when he will make a joke. He is seeing a psychiatrist now. Since August, he has been spending time with my son going to his sporting events. My daughter is away at college and their relationship is still very tentative. He buys us groceries to help out and he was really good at Christmas, bringing gifts like he usually would have. He picks up my son a few times a week and is really friendly-- he visits and talks about everything going on.
Do I think he is cured of depression? NO. I think he is at the very early stages of his recovery. I think having absolutely no responsibility helps. I think when they are with us, the pressure becomes too much when they are in D. He actually believes he is probably Bipolar based on everything he has done. I haven't asked if he has changed medication or if his psychiatrist changed his diagnosis. I figure if he wants to tell me he will. He has shared some depression info he has learned with me. I think to let me know he is learning about it. He has said he is so sorry for what he has done. He says he is sorry he has put me through this and that I didn't deserve it. That has helped.
It has been a year and a half. I am so much stronger. My house is peaceful. I laugh a lot more. I love my work again. I am a teacher and have always absolutely loved what I do, but during Fallout I was just barely functioning. But now I can say I am happy when I go to work. I still feel the pain from this every minute and I think about this way too much. But I am healing and I am so thankful he is on medication and getting treatment now. I still have a long way to go, but am proud of how far I have come.
Thank you to all of you in this Forum. No one else understands the pain we feel. You have helped me tremendously.😄
So it was one year ago yesterday my DH moved out. Fallout for my family started 7 months earlier than that--he just didn't move out right away. He spent 7 torturous months "very unhappily" staying. I was the cause of it all. He didn't hate me; he just felt indifferent. He ignored and stonewalled me for the entire 7 months while I tried to save the marriage. It was a few months before I realized he was probably depressed and needed to get medical treatment. He was so angry-- he had this seething, red hot rage towards me. It was like the more love and support I gave him, the angrier he got. He would tell me he was definitely not depressed, he just finally wanted to be happy. He brought up every little thing I had ever done wrong in the entire 23 years together. One was when we were first married and he had me proof read a cover letter for him when he was applying for a new job. I guess I corrected some spelling errors and he said I made him feel so stupid. He did that with every fight we had ever had and every mistake I had ever made. It was as if it just happened. It didn't matter that I had apologized at the time and we had I thought moved on. It was just as if every single thing I had ever done wrong was fresh in his mind. I remember him saying to me--"You want me to just call a mulligan and everything will be rainbows and unicorns."
He moved out--Feb. 28, 2014. He sent me an email at work. He said he had tried and he knew I would think that he had just thrown in the towel, but that he wasn't happy so he thought it would be best for all of us if he just left. He didn't tell the kids. I had to. My daughter was in grade 12 and my son in grade 9.
The conversation I had with my son that night is forever ingrained in my mind. He asked where his dad was. I said his dad left and wasn't coming home. He went to his room. It took me a long time to get the courage to talk to him. He was crying--absolutely heartbroken. My DH had been the most involved parent you could imagine. He was at every school event, every sporting event. Volunteered in many organizations.. And he left. It was a 180 degree personality change. My daughter was angry right away--she still is.
The next 6 months were a living nightmare. I found out he had built up a lot of debt over the years--I had no idea about. He moved right in with another woman. A woman he worked with. She had many live in relationships. He was the third that year. I was completely shocked that he did that--I still am. She was not his type at all. We barely saw him for the next 6 months. He came to my daughter's grad events, which was very awkward. The kids saw him maybe 2-3 times. Within a week of leaving, he had retained a lawyer and was telling me what I got and what he got and that I just had to sign everything. I wasn't very fast at getting our joint finances separate and he spent a lot of money during this time. My parents had a fire and their house burned down and they came and stayed with us for 3 months. I believe everything happens for a reason. My parents were so supportive during this time--the worst in my life and their life. I was finding out all of this horrible stuff that my DH had been doing and did. He basically left us with no money for the month of May. We had to scrimp and I remember going to the store to buy toilet paper and I was terrified my card would be declined.
Mid August, I got a call from him. He sounded quite frantic. He said it seemed like his texts weren't coming through to us. My kids had blocked him so we weren't receiving anything at all. He had pretty much ignored me for 6 months, so I hadn't noticed. He said he had broken up with her and he was going to the doctor to get on medication for depression and that I had been right all along. He wanted to go for supper with us-- we said no. It was like he "woke up" and the last year hadn't happened.
The medication seems to have worked for my DH. It has been 6 months. His personality is back. Even the tone of his texts to me are like him. it just completely shocks me still when he will make a joke. He is seeing a psychiatrist now. Since August, he has been spending time with my son going to his sporting events. My daughter is away at college and their relationship is still very tentative. He buys us groceries to help out and he was really good at Christmas, bringing gifts like he usually would have. He picks up my son a few times a week and is really friendly-- he visits and talks about everything going on.
Do I think he is cured of depression? NO. I think he is at the very early stages of his recovery. I think having absolutely no responsibility helps. I think when they are with us, the pressure becomes too much when they are in D. He actually believes he is probably Bipolar based on everything he has done. I haven't asked if he has changed medication or if his psychiatrist changed his diagnosis. I figure if he wants to tell me he will. He has shared some depression info he has learned with me. I think to let me know he is learning about it. He has said he is so sorry for what he has done. He says he is sorry he has put me through this and that I didn't deserve it. That has helped.
It has been a year and a half. I am so much stronger. My house is peaceful. I laugh a lot more. I love my work again. I am a teacher and have always absolutely loved what I do, but during Fallout I was just barely functioning. But now I can say I am happy when I go to work. I still feel the pain from this every minute and I think about this way too much. But I am healing and I am so thankful he is on medication and getting treatment now. I still have a long way to go, but am proud of how far I have come.
Thank you to all of you in this Forum. No one else understands the pain we feel. You have helped me tremendously.😄




